Monday, July 31, 2006

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 011 - Holy Mafia


The ore I was staring at was a poor man's Mercoxit and General Gunel and I both knew it. It was only our mutual embarrassment that kept us from admitting the fact.

However, the General then tantalisingly infomed me that apparently this "Faux Mercoxit" could be refined into large quantities of the very valuable mineral Zydrine, which could then be sold for a fortune.

Perhaps there was a shimmering pot of gold at the end of this rainbow after all. It would appear that another path to riches had willingly opened itself to me and I intended to use this information to my advantage.

At this point I noticed that my Evemail button was flashing and I curiously opened it to see who had contacted me. I was overcome by a strange and ominous feeling of impending danger. Who could it be?

I opened my mail and almost fell to the floor in shock. I had apparently been contacted by what seemed to be his royal holiness himself. One of the head honchos of the Christians had personally sent me an evemail, curiously entitled "Aloha Traveller".

Perhaps he was on a sacred religious retreat to Hawaii IV - Moon IX - Shamefully Bright Beach Shirt Assembly Plant

This is what it said:

Well, when I read this, I heard "small gift" in the same way that a junior member of the mafia hears "small gift" while at the same time being told to go and decapitate someone. This was certainly no small gift.

Pope Maltrox had outrageously deposited a bribe of ten million isk into my account. Clearly this was a futile attempt to force my hand.

I knew that true Christians would never use church funds for bribery purposes and it was abundantly obvious to me that he was passing me a brown paper envelope stuffed with wads of cash to stop me exposing his subversive religious organisation. I therefore decided that swift and prompt action was required.

I saw two alternatives open to me:

1) Send this blood money back to the fundamentalist zealots from whom it came.

2) Keep it and use it to buy a small munitions dump, to use against these ravaging bible-thumpers.

I considered these options for some time but didn't really like either. I wasn't quite ready to start an almighty holy war. It was then that I hit upon a third intriguing option:

3) Put the funds aside and vow to use this tainted money in a spontaneous charitable act at some point in future.

I liked it. It meant that the money would go to good causes and would help benefit others. Perhaps they would be players like me, who had also been warmed by kind acts.

It was settled: At some point in the near future, a random n00b in need would receive a crinkled brown paper envelope, stuffed with lashings of moolah. I was pleased with this decision.

So I decided that a strategically "firm but fair" reply was in order and I fired off an evemail to his "holiness":

Having done this, I now called up the market and began to scour the local bazaars for a worthy vessel to set sail in. I had trained Caldari Frigate up to Level 3 and was now able to fly any ship in that class.

It was time to get out of this cramped but cosy shuttle and to begin my ascent to the stars.

(to be continued........)


Blogger Sharlot M. Thomas said...

I am glad you saw that there are always options.
Unbeknownst to yourself, you have passed one of the key phases of a knighthood in the Royal Guard.

Your words in gesture form, have rekindled my faith for the souls that travel through the stars in this realm know as EVE.

To wit and fashion of craft you pilot next would seem to be dictated by your skills to date.

Not knowing your usability echelon for missiles I would suggest a Condor where it is capable of use both turrets and missiles. It is also the fastest Caldari frigate for the Tech I class.

The Merlin is more versatile and a sturdy ship but to mine with; the Bantam is practically the only logical choice you will have, unfortunately it is power hungry when entering warp and traveling across great distances.

However I can attest to the might and usability of the Kestrel. Its cargo room is generous along with enough power to meet most of your needs at this time. Its drawback is its strength. It is limited to launchers only and is know as a gunboat platform.

The use of rocket launchers can be effective if you can maneuver in close enough but I doubt at this stage of your carrier you would withstand the pounding.

There was a time when it had no rival but alas it now takes great skill to outfit it with four missile launchers. But should your missile prowess and power allocations be on par then this is the true ship for you.

I have successfully outfitted one of mine as follows:

High Slots: 4x Malkuth Standard Missile Launchers (preferred ammo – Bloodclaw Lt. Msl.) However you can load one of each to shake things up.

Med Slots: Civilian Shield Booster, Shield Recharger I, Passive Targeter I.

Low Slots: Small Armor Repairer II, Micro Auxiliary Power Core I.

This works for me for level 1 agent combat missions, your mileage may vary.

I hope you find this information useful when deciding that next great jaunt through the cosmos.

5:17 am  
Anonymous Tharim said...

Great read. You made it to my bookmark toolbar :P

10:02 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Thanks for the great laughs-I am truly looking forward every day to a new installment!
Please note that you lost "post 001" on the right hand side menu bar.

12:40 pm  
Blogger CB Cyrix™ said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

1:46 pm  
Anonymous t00thPIK[Venni Brutii) said...

Fantastic read mate, can't wait for the next instalment, i'm hooked! Keep it up :D

4:44 pm  
Anonymous Thirler said...

Great read, keep em coming.

As for arrow, as long as you haven't seen the purple monkeys, it hasn't gotten that weird :)

5:46 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just so you know, I am from Hawaii, and I have been to the shamefully bright beach shirt shop. I even own a couple.


5:50 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

love it, keep it coming!

6:39 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Excellent excellent stuff, very good writing style and very funny. Really brings back what it was like to be new and doing dangerous, strange stuff. . .

7:11 pm  
Blogger Jaggeh said...

Very funny read, i look forward to more misinterpretations of alliance names!

7:13 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is genious. Period.

9:05 pm  
Anonymous Galimiy Portret said...

I am very sorry to say this, because I was apalled and astounded by your great bravery and wit, but I despise the fact that you accepted the dirty bribe money from those dirty double-morale fundamentalists. I say you throw those money back in to their faces, for no money can wash away past crimes, only real repentance and good deeds can do that.

10:41 pm  
Anonymous Dave said...

Hey, really good read. I dont get where it's bribery money though unless im really missing something fundamental here.

11:00 pm  

Dave, this story is also being published as a thread on the official Eve Online Forums.

It is a bribe by them to keep me from exposing their fervent religious activities, for all to see on the official forums.....


11:08 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Love what you have written so far, might head back to EvE after being gone for awhile.

12:32 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great stuff!
I'll make sure too check this page each day :)

9:31 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG lmao

Keep it up :)

11:39 pm  
Anonymous Vulor said...

Great read.

I might even visit you at your home station someday :)

BTW: I think you should try to fly around eve-universe. Make a circle surrounding the whole empire and return to your home station in the end :)

9:49 pm  
Blogger Francis said...

I am having so much fun reading your blog ^_^ Well written! <3

6:32 am  
Blogger Francis said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

6:32 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

it's been 11 years, how did it all end?

7:53 am  

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