The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 094 - Attack Of The Clones

Attack Of The Clones

I staggered out of the jump-clone unit, and I looked around myself in order to figure out exactly where I had landed. A few minutes later I regained my orientation, and managed to deduce that I was somewhere back up in the North.

As my memory returned, I recalled that I had jumped back up here in order to re-visit an area that, at the beginning of my adventure, had scared me more than the thought of spending the night locked in a room with a very randy hippopotamus.

I was then contacted once more by "Podee", who had previously murdered me outside my office, after she had set out on her own adventure over two months ago.

Since then she had been steadfastly committed to orchestrating as many of her own deaths as is humanly possible, and had now racked up quite a large tally of bitter and gruesome ends...

I flew a few jumps further to the west and landed at the ISS station "Borealis", where Podee met me, and we spent some time complaining to each other over the fact that the Revelations patch had ruthlessly removed our n00bness:



The patch had shockingly given me sufficient skills to fly a Cruiser, and I now wondered if I should take that next almighty step by getting into a large slavering beast of a machine for the first time, and fearlessly flying around in it, safe in the knowledge of my new-found invincibility...

As I pondered over this heavy dilemma, I once more met a pilot called "Sgt Napalm", whom I had previously encountered at the 9UY war in the south. Napalm is a member of ISS, and as such has a sworn duty to conduct his business in the most neutral manner possible.

It was at that point, that a spark of evil suddenly ignited inside of me, and I instantly began to hatch a cunning and malevolent plan to get ISS to shockingly break their hallowed and cherished neutrality...

I knew that in the spirit of friendship, ISS members were always willing to help others, and that in the spirit of self-extinguishment, Podee was always willing to die violently. All I therefore needed to do, in order to get ISS to break their neutrality, was to bring these two concepts together...



My devious ploy had worked, and I quickly undocked to gather the terrible photographic evidence of this amazing breach of neutral protocol.


I had caught ISS red-handed in the act of murder!

CLICK TO VIEW IMAGE


Out of a rampant attempt to bribe me, and out of the erroneous belief that he could buy my eternal silence, Sergeant Napalm then gave me a fully fitted Kestrel and a paltry bribe of a million isk, the fear in his eyes clearly begging me not to expose him...

Suffice to say, I did the only sensible thing and immediately accepted the bribe, before violently logging out of the game.

The next time I logged back in, I encountered a terrifying army of twelve clones, who were frantically flying around the system, and horrifically terrorising the poor unsuspecting locals:



I wondered what sorrowful event had transpired in empire, that had caused a dozen new players to suddenly turn to the dark side, and to leave the safety of the n00bish state war academy, in search of death and destruction in the fearless realms of 0.0.

CLICK TO VIEW IMAGE

Perhaps there were unseen forces of evil at work here, infiltrating their brains and corrupting their minds, causing them to spread the airs of discontent, like a man with a serious case of flatulence.

As I watched them leave the system in search of more prey to violently attack, I packed up my belongings and prepared for my glittering return to the heavily-guarded fortress of Emilio Estevez...


(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 093 - Breaking The Language Barrier

Breaking The Language Barrier

Like a clock handed from one person to another, I passed the time by resting my hands on my face, and staring blankly at the invisible dark matter that surrounded me.

Every now and then, a faint communications signal whizzed past me on a high frequency. Like an air traffic controller with a malfunctioning listening device, I imagined that I could almost hear the distant chatter of pilots on a collision course with their terminal destinies.

Perhaps the noises were all just radio ga-ga, radio goo-goo, radio ga-ga...



Having previously been interviewed by the EVE Tribune, and also by the hammer-clenching Viking Gods of EVE for a news article, I now found myself being offered the chance to speak live on air, to literally tens of listeners....

The thought of spewing my dulcet tones over the wireless was indeed tempting, and like a man chewing on a loud bang, I was very excited by the prospect of creating some explosive sound-bites. However, in the end I decided to teasingly retain my mystique, and to politely decline the kind and generous offer.

Some time later, I encountered several more heroic BoB pilots, and was extremely surprised to find myself becoming friends with Jennifer Aniston, whilst raiding the tombs of Angelina Jolie...



His statement had caused my mind to snatch a glimpse of a parallel timeline, where I had lived behind the dark side of the sun, in Oceans XI, Moon III - Formulaic Hollywood Blockbuster Assembly Studio, where I had felt like:


The Mexican........



......who had spent seven years in Tibet:

CLICK TO VIEW IMAGE


I had once learned that the Devil's own devices for turning a pilot astray were the seven deadly sins, which could all be found in many legends of the fall of celebrities from positions of power, to their shameful full-frontal public confessions of a dangerous mind filled with gluttony and indulgence.


I violently resolved to fight this club of overpowering instincts.


Not entirely unlike a man walking into the middle of a giant book, I then entered into another conversation, and bemusingly found myself parsleying the thyme by partaking of an oreganol chat with a very sage pilot:



The Herbster was a seasoned veteran who had been playing since the very beginning of EVE, and who had resolutely refused to train any Caldari skills, thus leaving himself unable to fly a basilisk.

Whereas most pilots spend their evenings shooting the enemy in violent fits of rage, The Herbster whiles away the hours by playing the following game with himself, whilst cooking delightfully aromatic curries:


Dill or no dill?


A few handfuls of the sands of time later, I slipped up Robert's back passage and ventured deep into his bowels, in search of an entrance to the inner sanctum of his crushing war machine.

Eventually, after finding the "Machiavellian School Of Philosophy" and stopping to talk with the brilliant evil geniuses who lived there, I made my way into the vast underbelly of Robert's mechanical inferno of doom.

A few minutes later, I gasped in utter astonishment, as I came across the immense propaganda machine at the very heart of his body of systems.


I bravely ejected from my shuttle and left them a suspicious message:

CLICK TO VIEW IMAGE


Confident that my warning would be singlehandedly responsible for stopping them taking over the whole map, I smugly docked at the Mining Coalition HQ, from where I then stylishly jumped into a jump-clone on the other side of the universe.

Little did I know, that not entirely unlike meeting a group of politicians, I would be set to encounter a terrifying army of clones...


(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 092 - Sausage Dogs

Sausage Dogs

I docked in the station adjacent to BoB HQ, and answered a chat request from a character whose name was strikingly familiar:



I pondered over this important question for a while, and although I felt like a n00b at heart, I had now explored such a large area of the map that I had no other choice but to conclude that my n00bness was probably now a thing of the past.

In recounting my travels I had previously made a reference to the television-show dog "The Littlest Hobo" and I now bizarrely found myself speaking to a strange player with the very same name, who was the leader of a corporation called the "Sausage Commandos"...

Like a campanologist who keeps hearing phantom telephones in his mind, my paranoia bells immediately started ringing, and I wondered if, in the tradition of Strongy Strong and Shaking Sheikh, yet another of my literary devices had assumed a life of its own.

However, I then discovered that this character had been created a full two days before I had mentioned the name, which meant that I was staring at an astonishing co-incidence of more epic proportions than the bosoms of Dolly Parton and Pamela Anderson combined.


I informed him of the co-incidence:




Apparently, this master of sausages considered the fountain region (which I had visited several weeks ago) to be his property, and he forthrightly demanded that I admit my rampant trespassing into his alleged claimed lands.

After informing him that I had indeed been there, but that I was under the impression that the area was free of fried pig and cow pieces, and was inhabited by Xelas and Celestial Apocalypse, he then decided to sit me down and to enthrall me with an amazing tale of espionage, deception and pulse-raising treachery.


Once upon a time, his main character was a member of Xelas...




This story was already causing me to be more enthralled than the regular clients of a dominatrix, and I immediately started to eat and drink a large variety of cinematic foodstuffs, as I listened to the exciting show:



As he continued to bark the story to me, I could feel the waves of his hostility towards Xelas flowing from across the communications channel. This was one seriously scorned pilot, who like a fiery angular afterlife, was now hell-bent on revenge for the swelling hatred he felt towards his former alliance.


He continued in his shocking narrative:




This was an incredible tale of treachery and deceit that left me reeling with astonishment. I suspected that this frying-pan conoisseur, and his band of cumberland commandos would probably be viewed in an extremely negative way by the EVE community, although he did not seem bothered by this at all.



Like Gollum left alone in a cave for a very long time, with only a ring of bitter memories to keep him company through the ages, the Littlest Hobo had been building an army of suicide pilots, ready to wreak murderous and bloody revenge upon his former friends and allies in Xelas.

Although the tracherous story had been tremendously enthralling to listen to, I worried for the safety of my friends in Xelas, whose company I had enjoyed immensely, and I now wondered if they would find themselves violently extinguished by a vengeful pork chipolata...

In a magnanimous act of fried breakfasts, he then informed me that I too could harness the power of the sausage people...



In my continuing spirit of neutrality, I wished him success with his imminent campaign, and I then continued in my fantastical exploration of the holy land of Robert...


(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 091 - Total Annihilation

Total Annihilation

There are many possible ultimate questions, and I took a moment to ponder over some of the more worthy candidates:


What is the meaning of life?

How did the universe begin?

What is 6 x 7?

What's the opposite of "inbetween opposite and like"?

Why is it usually he who smelt it who dealt it?


In the end, I opted for this ultimate question:




Well to say I was flabberghasted would be playing the situation down more than a pianist descending through two octaves of C-Minor in a subterranean concert hall.

The Robert Alliance had no qualms about publically flaunting the fact that their goal was nothing less than the total and utter annihilation of every other alliance on the map!


I could barely bring myself to steady my shaking pod upon hearing this foul news.


To me this was absolutely incredible. This boisterous family had publically declared their intention to own everything, thereby causing a flood of carebear refugees to partake of a grand exodus to the loving arms of empire space, with nothing more than a few Miner II lasers and some shimmering minerals to sustain them.


Why didn't the other alliances unite to eliminate this threat?




It would appear that the Band Of Brothers are an unstoppable force, set to win the map by conquest. I had only heard of Celestial Apocalypse standing up against them thus far. Perhaps there were others, although news of this had not yet reached me.

ASCN (who outnumber BoB greatly) had been suffering defeats in the early stages of the war with BoB, which was a fact that some commentators had put down to them needing time to adjust from being an industrial alliance to a fearsome fighting force. If the biggest alliance in EVE could not yet defeat BoB, then who could?

Like a man chopping onions whilst staring goggle-eyed at a country full of polygamists, I cried extensively over this state of affairs.

I munched on some chocolate munchkins and I smilingly recalled a time far back into the pages of history, where in a past life I had jumped to the defence of humanity, and had solved a similar dilemma, far off in the western spiral arm of a little known galaxy:

CLICK TO VIEW IMAGE

I immediately grabbed a pair of clippers and I cut some very sharp and piercing spikes into my toenails, in case I would ever find myself trapped in Robert's dungeons, and in need of a sharp object to sneakily pick the lock on my cell.


I enquired further about the war:




I had previously discovered that SirMolle was an anagram of "I SELL MOR", which had led me to suspect that the leader of BoB was a closet industrialist, and it would appear that Blacklight's shocking new revelation that BoB do indeed engage in industrial activities heavily supported my conclusion...

I started to relax just a tad, and I opened one of my few remaining pampering kits that ASCN had given me on my first visit to the love shack.

After then applying a strawberry leg-waxing strip to my right thigh, and sipping on an instant Moccacino with aniseed bursts, I decided to ask these people if their reputation of being crazed and deranged killers was in any way reflective of the truth:



It had been a very interesting meeting, and although I felt sad for the carebears who ultimately would find themselves brutally extinguished under the iron boots of the ever-encroaching BoB war machine, I had to admire their total honesty in publically stating their goals, and their utter determination in following through with them.

As I fired up the engines in my shuttle and left the system, I stubbed my toe on the metallic base of my control panel, and due to my designer toe-nail spikes piercing it, I ended up electrocuting myself...


(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 090 - Delving Into Robert

Delving Into Robert

I sat back for a while on the upper deck of the Dark & Light outpost, the twinkling stars forever ejecting their enticing shards of rippling hypnotic light through the luminiferous ether in the distance.

Thoughts of sweet sentimentality and warmth gently drifted in and out of my consciousness, and I took a long moment to acknowledge all the pilots who had helped and assisted me in my flight of a lifetime through the incredible starlanes of EVE.

I sipped on a cool drink of Quafe with a dash of lime, and entered into a conversation with a pilot called "Nemon v3", who explained to me that he was the leader of the Dark & Light alliance (and also that English is not his first language).

Like a footballer with concussion, Nemon then decided to use a very bizarre analogy to explain why it is always a good thing to have goals to work towards...



I asked him how his station was faring, being wedged in between ASCN and BoB. He explained to me that their situation was actually strategically sound, due to the fact that ASCN are unable to directly jump capital ships from the "Paragon Soul" region to the "Period Basis" region.

I had enjoyed my time with D&L and the British Space Corps, and had found those whom I had met to be a great bunch of people. I finally left their space feeling very glad to have met them.

A few days later, I headed northwards in my journey towards the ancient and mystical territory of the Band Of Brothers.

During my time in EVE, no single alliance had been mentioned to me with such perpetual fear and terror than BoB. Every single pilot who had ever told me about them had done so whilst shaking even more than the Shaking Sheikh drinking milkshake at a "Shake-Yer-Booty" contest at the Shakespeare theatre on the banks of Shake Lake...

As my little shuttle sped faster and faster towards my date with Robert, I wondered how the most feared alliance in the game would react to me turning up unannounced at the walls of their gleaming citadel.


Finally, I terrifyingly arrived at the holy BoB HQ:




For some inexplicable reason my ship started violently shivering and shaking, out of a tremendous n00by fear of imminent death. The phenomenon suddenly spread from the ship to my fingers, and without thinking I frantically grabbed a blackboard in order to steady them.


This was a screeching big mistake...


I quickly logged out of the game, and didn't have the courage to come back until several days later, when my heart rate had returned to a more acceptable 90 beats per minute.

Upon logging back in, I suddenly found myself staring directly into the eyes of one of the very leaders of the Band Of Brothers. I was speaking with no other than one of the high controllers of Robert himself...


I decided to begin our conversation by shamelessly flattering him:




The leaders of ASCN (CYVOK) and of BoB (SirMolle) both now owned a Titan, and a considerable amount of fuss had been made in the EVE community over why BoB seemed more willing to deploy theirs in battle. ASCN had been more reluctant, due to the fact that the Titan is apparently bugged in some horrific manner.

I spent some considerable time talking with Blacklight, whom I was starting to like a lot. I asked him if he could teach me the history of his alliance:



BoB's situation was similar to many of the other alliances whom I had met in my travels. Even though EVE is only 3.5 years old, corps and alliances tend to have very short shelf-lives, and many alliances' histories are inextricably intertwined as a result.


I enquired as to why BoB had become so successful:




A few minutes later, I directly asked them the ultimate question...


(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 089 - Opposing Forces (Part 3)

Opposing Forces (Part 3)

A little while later, I entered into a sparkling conversation with a Dark & Light pilot named "Temper", with whom I eagerly discussed the thrilling BoB vs ASCN war in more detail than the invisible paintings of a molecular nanoartist:



Like a man lifting his duvet and finding a glowing golden question mark etched into his bed-sheets, I wondered if I had discovered a puzzling clue to the underlying fabric of events in this universe...

I had always enjoyed a good conspiracy theory, and as I sat there on my grassy knoll, forcefully giving myself a freemasonic handshake, I wondered if any more secrets of the universe would stylishly reveal themselves to me in an unadulterated blaze of cheese.


Temper also found himself being dragged into the conspiracy:




Perhaps all of this division and war throughout EVE was a clever illusion, designed to hoodwink the masses into complicit acceptance of the overfiends who ruled them by stealth, slowly sucking their individuality from their consciousness, and advancing their nefarious plans for eternal world domination with each and every ominous passing second....


I then made an earth-shattering discovery:




I had discovered what no other EVE pilot had ever realised, and what the loyal members of the alliance "orchestra of siblings" would never ever know:


Their leader spends his evenings refining lumps of scordite...


Not entirely dissimilarly to a woman grappling with a roast potato fresh out of the oven, I decided that this information was just far too hot to handle, and I quite sensibly decided to bury the truth in true conspiratorial fashion: by openly hiding it in full public view...

The conversation stayed with the "overlords" topic, but moved from the south to the north, when I was surprisingly asked if I still hated the low-budget comedy veteran Emilio Estevez:



Perhaps after I had explored BoB space, I would stylishly return to Venal for a trip down memory lane. I recorded a note in my journal to remind myself of my intent to nostalgically revisit Emilio's northern empire.

A little while later, another member of ASCN entered the system and struck up a controversial conversation with me regarding a topic that is dear to the heart of every young adventurer:


N00b ships




I felt like I was standing at the dawning of a new era, for I had unveiled the holy secret of the shining Ibis, for all and sundry to gloriously purvey with astonished eyes, and a warming heart.

Never again would a n00bescent player need to spend so many torturously agonising hours mining veldspar in Jita, when the inclusion of one simple mining drone in their Ibis would multiply their income to previously unsurpassed levels of decadent wealth.


I hoped that n00bkind would be enriched by my discovery.


I was so excited by this revelation that I found myself uncontrollably playing with my left nipple. I am pleased to report that I rapidly stopped myself before anyone in Local noticed my perverse activity...

I quickly covered up my shameful self-stimulation, and entered into a conversation with another D&L pilot, who had once been the subject of a classic song by Eric Clapton:



In fact, the opening verse of this timeless ditty really struck a chord with me, and promptly sent me into a melodic and sentimental analysis of my adventure:


# What'll you do when you get lonely,
And nobody's waiting by your side?
You've been running and hiding much too long,
You know it's just your foolish pride. #


At that moment I felt like the Littlest Hobo, and I wondered if one day I would ever settle down at a place that I could call my home...


(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 088 - Opposing Forces (Part 2)

Opposing Forces (Part 2)

After docking at the Dark & Light station in E2-RDQ, I asked the residents about the structure of their alliance. The outpost itself is owned by D&L, who are friends with the "British Space Corps", who in turn have docking rights there and help to protect D&L from any rampant attackers.



Being on the edge of BoB space, this outpost is stylishly wedged in the middle of the ASCN vs BoB war, and as a result it is often subject to unexpectedly violent activity, and shamelessly exciting fights.

I was informed that, as part of the war, ASCN were actively attacking Dark & Light, and considered them to be their enemies, due to their allegiance and friendship with the Steven Speilberg mini-series The Band Of Brothers.

Like a man rearranging the letters N E E S S, I eventually made sense of it all, and was then delighted to take part in a conversation with D&L and a member of ASCN called "Psycho Lordling", who was in the process of stalking the locals as part of a vicious one-man war campaign...


We discussed the D&L outpost and the ongoing conflict in the area:




It was curious that the most effective political model in EVE was dictatorship. I wondered why this universe had evolved in such a way, and what had caused such a ruthless Status Quo to exist amongst the residents of this enchanting but bitter world.

Perhaps it is because the EVE environment is very young, and is therefore still developing and finding its feet. I found the whole subject utterly fascinating.

In a surprising, and entirely unexpected twist, the conversation then shockingly turned to the subject of BoB bondage...



I had heard mention from many quarters that all of the alliances living around BoB space were considered to be "BoB Slaves". Although I admittedly found this highly amusing, I also thought it was probably a little on the derogatory side, and I therefore wanted to make a concerted effort to discover the truth of the matter.

Like a pig celebrating its birthday, the subject became somewhat muddied, when I learned that the alliances who live around BoB space do indeed pay them a tithe to live there. However, it was further explained to me that such arrangements exist in many places in the EVE universe.

I wondered if the subject of slavery (which I'm sure my friends in CVA will be delighted to hear about...) had inspired the residents to attempt to exploit me, because no more than a few minutes later, I ruthlessly found myself sitting in an asteroid belt in an Ibis, mercilessly being forced to collect loot from the cans of one of the locals:

CLICK TO VIEW IMAGE

After dutifully completing my duty, and being awarded a "bronze tag" as payment for my wanton work, I then learned something more incredible than a discredited credit controller with serious street-cred, who had been given extensive credit for incredulously crediting himself with the incredible title of "Creddy-Weddy The Sacred."



Edster had been singlehandedly responsible for starting a war. I was totally astonished by this amazing revelation, and was almost inspired to go and start some wrecking carnage of my own.

I had previously learned that in addition to ASCN's Titan, BoB now also owned one, and had already testosterone-pumpingly deployed it in the heat of battle in an attack on an outpost that I am extremely fond of:


The love shack in AZN-D2


I wondered just how long this BoB vs ASCN war would go on for, and if there was any way that a man in a shuttle could stylishly intervene to bring fluffy peace and puppy-dog happiness to the region.



It was then that for no reason whatsoever, I amazingly failed to think of a dramatic cliffhanger...


(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 087 - Video Interlude

Veni Video Vici

Instead of writing the next part of my adventure, I decided to postpone it until tomorrow, in order to do something entirely different...


I hereby present my first ever EVE video:

DOWNLOAD MOVIE


The file is a nicely compact 5.5MB in size, and is in .SWF format. If you need to download the current version of Adobe Flash Player, you can do so for free at their official site here:


DOWNLOAD FLASH


The video is a little something to play whenever you need a boost. :)

I hope you enjoy it.


(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 086 - Opposing Forces (Part 1)

Opposing Forces (Part 1)

Some time later, I was contacted by a brave n00b who went by the name of Yancy Grieves. He had only been playing for a day or two but had heard of my adventures through space, and wanted to ask me for some advice regarding the scarier parts of the map:



In the end we decided it would be best for him to visit ISS first, and I was pleased to later hear that he had successfully completed his journey, and had not been horrifically murdered by merciless attackers.

Last night, after logging back in at the Mercenary Coalition, I started to think about where my fantastical journey would take me next. A large chunk of the map was still Terra Incognita to me, and there were many alliances whom I had not yet had the pleasure of either meeting or being violently extinguished by...

I eventually decided that since the MC were very close to "Band Of Brothers" space, the time had finally arrived for me to enter their vast citadel, and to seek the holy knowledge and wisdom of their infamous and feared organisation.


I informed some of the noble mercenaries of my plan:




I wondered what would lie in store for me at their hands, but part of me felt very reassured by the fact that throughout my life people had always told me that I was related to BOB, usually at the moment of successfully achieving something, or explaining its simplicity.


"Bob's your uncle" - they had said...


Safe with the new knowledge that the band of brothers were my uncle, I was curious to locate the promiscuous aunt who had been responsible for the creation of my disjointed family.


I then learned something truly shocking:




Well now I was absolutely terrified of the idea of building my own outpost! However, I did not know anything about the history of this event, so I decided that it would be best to find out what had actually caused it before making a viciously derogatory judgement on the matter...

I finally set off into the darkness of the space before me, and I observed the dots represeting BoB citadels glimmering on my map. I selected one of them, and began my journey towards the gates to their mighty fortress.

A few jumps later, I encountered a pilot from the "British Space Corps", who went by the name of "Snow Blizzard", and who struck up a friendly conversation with me.



Snow had invited me to visit his home, which was at an outpost that had been constructed by an alliance called "Dark and Light". I had never met D&L before, and knew nothing about them, so I decided to go and visit them as part of my imminent exploration of BoB space.


I received a very interesting welcome...

CLICK TO VIEW IMAGE


I wondered if I had been wickedly lured here under false pretences, so that the ravenous cads of the BSC could force me to watch digitally remastered Monty Python DVDs whilst the minions of Dark and Light kept pointing torches at my face and intermittently switching them on and off...

What kind of cruel and macabre torture was in store for me in this system at the back end of nowhere, where plagued cries of despair echoed throughout the halls of eternity, resonating in the afflicted memories of the sorrowful victims of these murderers.

Surprisingly, no torture was in store for me and nobody wanted to murder me. Snow Blizzard had been good to his word, and the Dark & Light alliance had made me blue, given me docking and clone rights, and had welcomed me into their home.


What a pleasant surprise!


After deciding to stay for a day or two, to learn about the history of the area, little did I know that I was imminently set to discover something truly astonishing...


(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 085 - Station Master (Part 3)

Station Master (Part 3)

I logged in the next morning, and was contacted again by Siigari Katawa, who had previously attempted to sell me a Damage Control II unit for 350 million isk.

Siigari explained that although 350m had turned out to be overpriced, the item had been selling for similar prices recently. I later checked on escrow, and saw that there were now 5 DCII units for sale at 220 mil each.



In light of the fact that prices have recently been fluctuating quickly on many items, I concluded that Siigari had not attempted to deceive me, and I simply put the matter down to her not having researched it sufficiently before contacting me. I therefore considered the matter closed.

A few minutes later, I observed my fearless mercenary friends boasting about their recent contracts:



I was extremely excited about being present at the construction of their new station, and part of me started to daydream that it was them who were present at the construction of my station..

On this basis, I decided that it was necessary to go and inspect my staff at the gatecamp, to ensure they were doing the job properly.



After arriving, and giving a stiff military salute to indicate my partial approval of the rank and file, I was once more subject to disturbing romantic advances at the hands of PMolkenthin:

CLICK TO VIEW IMAGE

I must say it was extremely forward of him to make such intimate gestures towards his leader, and I wondered if such outrageous activities should continue to be tolerated in my organisation. Maybe it would set a bad example for the other troops...

Members of the alliance FIX then arrived, to assist in the gatecamp, and I decided that I would take a chance and leave them all to manage things by themselves. After all, if you want your staff to improve themselves, it is necessary to give them a little bit of responsibility.

For the next hour or so, the fearless miners moved large quantities of construction components and minerals to the now 23-billion isk "egg", which was anchored at a planet.

This was all very interesting, but ultimately there was one single crucially important thing that was critical to the entire construction project, and naturally I was the only one competent enough to bear the burden of escorting this extremely valuable component to the egg:

CLICK TO VIEW IMAGE

Having nobly and valiantly completed my duty, and having lovingly sacrificed one and a half minutes of my time for the greater good, I decided that I would leave the trivial remainder of the project in the hands of my rabble of subordinates.



We completed the filling of the egg a mere 20 minutes before downtime and I then cunningly and eagerly waited right next to it, so that I could log in and immediately claim the crown of "first to dock" once downtime had ended.

My plan was successful, and after having been the first ever pilot to dock at the station (although being the owner of all this space anyway, it was surely my right!), I then undocked and grabbed a comparison picture:

CLICK TO VIEW IMAGE

I sat back and sipped some Bollinger in my new station, whilst pondering over the amazing sequence of events that had brought me here.

Shortly thereafter, my rampant basking in my own success was ruthlessly interrupted by one of the lower ranks of soldiers from FIX:



As soon as I noticed that the man who adored me had said "our station", reality kicked back in, and my delusion ended quicker than a film that had never been made.

The event had been an amazing experience, and I felt truly honoured that I had been invited to take part in the fun and excitement.


(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 084 - Station Master (Part 2)

Station Master (Part 2)

I headed further into Stain, and eventually entered a deserted system that contained a station with a wonderful medical bay. I quickly moved my clone there, and headed onwards into the night.

Looking out of the little window in my shuttle, I watched in awe as the reflective particles of solar wind ripped across the space before me, twisting and twirling in a grand and mysterious symphony of delight.


The vastness of space still amazed me.


As I flew ever-deeper into the Stain region, heading westward towards my important appointment at the Mercenary Coalition, I was contacted by Seleene, whom I informed of my closely-avoided death at the hands of the evil podder from the "Silver Star Federation":



There was an intriguing allure to the idea of hiring vicious mercenaries to destroy those who had previously harmed me, and I wondered if the slight desire for retribution that I was feeling was a natural characteristic, or if my experiences in 0.0 had changed me into a harder man.

I was surprised to then learn that Mercenaries could be hired for as little as 1 billion per week for smaller operations, which meant that hiring groups such as the MC could certainly be a possibility in my future:



I flew on, further and further into Stain, my thoughts turning to what exactly I was in this world. I had been to so many different places, and met such a large number of people now, that I was beginning to question who I really was, and what my role should be in this strange and fantastical land of opportunity.


What makes me who I am?


As I flew through the final systems to the Mercenary Coalition, I began to conclude that despite the occasional desire for revenge upon those who had attacked me, by my very nature I felt like I was a carebear.

Despite my attempts to be neutral, there was something inherent inside of me that had caused me to reject the idea of violence, and to side with those who renounced it.

Perhaps this was why I had stayed in my shuttles for so long, and had not wanted to become a "normal" player. Maybe this was also the reason that I liked the MC. In a world filled with violence and despair, at least they were loyal to their clients, even if their jobs often involved violently destroying others who had done them no harm. My label of "noble scum" seemed very appropriate.

On the other hand, perhaps I had undergone a fundamental misunderstanding of the nature of combat in EVE. What had particularly convinced me that I was missing something was the fact that when I had seen alliances fighting each other, the parties involved always seemed to enjoy it and were mostly very polite to each other.


I liked this kind of fighting immensely.


I wondered if the fact that I had not fought meant that I was missing a part of the EVE experience. I was undecided about it, because in thinking this I was measuring myself by "conventional" benchmarks.

After all, my adventure had been something spectacularly different to how most players exist in EVE, and in a way I very much liked the fact that I had approached things in such a novel and unique way. Perhaps the truth of the matter was that I was terrified of the prospect of forming an alliance, and of developing a project to create and defend a n00b outpost.


I was afraid of failure.


After safely arriving at the MC headquarters, and unexpectedly being on the receiving end of flattering romantic advances by one of the meaty mercenaries...



...I quickly grabbed a three-hour sleep (in my own bed), and awoke at 8am to take my place at the construction of their amazing new outpost. Maybe in helping to create it, I would in some small part gain a tiny glimpse into the future, and could imagine what it would feel like to build my own home.


(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 083 - Station Master (Part 1)

Station Master (Part 1)

The next time I logged in, I was still in my safespot at SMASH Alliance. I then lovingly podded myself in a truly stylish fashion and spawned back at FDZ4-A, where I purchased another shuttle.

Several days earlier, I had received a covert invitation from Seleene (head of the Mercenary Coalition) to be the guest of honour at a very secret and exclusive event. I was extremely excited by this, because it would enable me to watch something more extraordinary than a man who had no fingers attempting to forcefully give himself a manicure:


I had been invited to help construct a brand new MC outpost


I hurriedly used my jump clone in Ushra Khan space, and then plotted a 60-jump course to my destination: an event that I was even more excited about than the capital ships parade I had been given at ASCN.


I suddenly received a mystery evemail from an apologetic shuttle vendor:




I had always suspected that these merciless 0.0 traders had been ripping off poor young adventurers, and now I had cast-iron proof of their extortionate transportational treachery.


How dare they!


I began my flight from Unity Station towards Stain, with the intention of then using my instas for the rest of my journey to the edge of MC space.

However, several jumps later, I entered a system where there appeared to be a large number of terrifyingly ravenous pilots, whom upon having their bios inspected by me, started giving off ominously silent signals of hostility.

I had run straight into the ebil and dastardly minions of a group that were more hated and despised by carebears than a genuinely nice man with a normal-sounding name like Arthur McFredric, who hated crime and had misguidedly changed his name to "Hate Crime", only to find that the meaning was completely lost on everyone he met.

I quickly turned around and jumped back into the previous system, where by an astonishing co-incidence, I met a pilot called Arthur McFredric who also happened to hate crime...



Arthur was a member of CVA, who despite ruthlessly and menacingly keeping slaves to do their every bidding, were friendly to me and had been kind and helpful to me in the past.


Arthur then provided a solution to my problem:




After we had ganged and he had ejected the instas in our safespot, I returned to the system next door and quickly used them to fly through the next few jumps towards my final destination.


Luckily there had not been warp bubbles on any of the gates.


I finally reached a system in Stain that contained an NPC station with a medical bay. I got as close as 7km from it, when two emotionally deficient military rejects who went by the names of "Qrusher" and "Horza", decided to attempt to horrifically kill me:



Clearly these brain-dead morose nose-picking dumb-witted bullies, who sit at home at the weekends playing with themselves in front of the classic film The Sound Of Music, and who are ardent collectors of a 52-part weekly publication entitled "The Smells of Britney Spears", have nothing better to do than to incompetently train their pathetically mismatched artillery at hapless young adventurers.

As I bravely flew away to somewhere random, I laughed raucously at the fact that not a single one of their wimpish shots had so much as grazed me.

My n00bish shuttles had been shot at so much during my adventure, that I was beginning to seriously wonder if I should just dispense with them altogether and use an entirely different method of flight instead:



With 35 jumps to go, and still not having moved my clone from Unity, I began to doubt if I would ever make it in time for my guest appearance at the Mining Coalition...


(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 082 - Smash And Crash

Smash And Crash

Being in FDZ4-A once more brought a ton of memories flooding back to me. This was the very first station I had ever visited, right at the beginning of my n00bish adventure into the dark wilderness.

Feeling in a reflective and sentimental mood, I decided to contact the woman with whom I once had a provocative and enticing entanglement:



Luckily, a quick search on the internet revealed that my shocking words are now considered to be positive terms amongst ladies who like ladies, and I was relieved that I had not violently offended any women who like like...

Missy appeared not to be annoyed that I had had an affair behind her back, which had caused her to have an affair behind my back, which had resulted in a scandalous and painful relationship breakup.

A little while later, I received a huge blast from the past, when I noticed that a bible bashing minion of the Arrow Project was docked with me:



I had not suffered any of their rampant brainwashing attempts for a long time, and what with there being a distinct lack of psychologists in 0.0, I was concerned that if they managed to get to me, there would be no way to save myself.

I was absolutely terrified that at the hands of these Arrow Project zealots, I could traumatisingly find myself being cornered in a cul-de-sac dead-end system, with the only way out being viciously guarded by the following four people:



Luckily, I was quickly able to put these horrific thoughts out of my mind, when I was abruptly distracted by a buzzing stinger of a pilot who went by the name of Wasp O'Ryan.

Wasp was a member of "Smash Alliance", whom I knew absolutely nothing about. He kindly took the time to explain who they were, and I was able to locate their home systems on my digital cartography mechanism:




Holy Station Stealing, Batman!


Well, being presented with this horrific news, I had no choice but to immediately storm down there to confront them. After all, I was considering the idea of building my own station, and news such as this indicated just how easily they can be lost to murderous attackers of doom, hell-bent on destroying your work...

I eventually arrived at their menacing citadel, and upon quickly making a brave and heroic safespot in a random place in their sickening stolen station system, I was greeted with a ridiculously sarcastic attempt to flush me out and murder me in the usual brutal fashion:



I decided to hold my nerve and to valiantly remain in my hole, out of an act of abject defiance. By this point I was feeling distinctly hunted, and could smell their minions prowling around, eagerly waiting to smash and crash my little shuttle into oblivion.

I resolved that I had no choice but to start talking rapidly, since the fear of my imminent death was now reaching fever pitch. I quickly engaged them in a pointless conversation about their deadly foes, only to find that I had surprisingly accidentally begun an exciting philosophical discussion about the nature of time-travel:



Now whenever someone raises the time travel issue, there is always a smart-alec who decides to ask the age-old question about what happens if you go back in time and kill your father....



Perhaps, despite the extensive smashing, these people just might not be so bad after all. I had enjoyed the temporal mechanics conversation but I couldn't help thinking that their station-stealing past was more worrying than being told you are currently in first place in a "lack-of-worrying contest" to win a trillion isk, but that things could worryingly change at any moment...


(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 081 - Damage Dealing

Damage Dealing

The deal of a lifetime did not originate from the illustrious Alyx, but from an entirely different source instead.

Some time after having left the ghetto, I began my journey to the North-East of the map, and I abruptly received an evemail from a pilot called Siigari Kitawa, who invited me to make an offer on an exotic item called a "Damage Control II".

Naturally, having no need for such an item, I replied to the evemail indicating my distinct lack of interest. A few minutes later, a chat request box ruthlessly appeared on my screen, and after accepting, I was plunged into a conversation with the vendor of this item, who violently attempted to sell it to me:



Well, I was ecstatic to hear that I was being offered this joyous opportunity purely to bring delight to my adventure, and my natural impulse was therefore to immediately transfer all my worldly possessions and all my money in exchange for this wondrous piece of equipment...

However, I was unaware of the value of the glorious item, so I thought it would be best to declare this fact in advance, and to attempt to establish its true value, before throwing all my money at the seller in a fit of wanton shopaholic spending:




What a bargain of unsurpassed magnitude this must be!


Well at this point, I was ready to strip off the very clothing on my back, and to throw it at Siigari in a frenzy, to ensure I could purchase this masterpiece of manufacturing. Imagine the incredulous levels of damage I would hereafter be able to control, if I just spent 350,000,000 ISK on this great product.


I was salivating uncontrollably...


What a feeling it was, when some time later, after having decided to make my own enquiries into whether I should purchase this item or not, I discovered that there was already one of the great damage controllers up for sale on ESCROW...



...for 120 million isk less than the price I had been offered!

Well, I was absoulutely furious and enraged in an unrestricted manner at this revelation of financial skullduggery. The natural instinct, when being presented with this situation would be to quickly purchase the 230 million isk item in a frenzy, which is exactly why I did not...

What interested me about this whole affair was that the seller on escrow had placed the item up for one day only, and went by the name of "Shigawahhhhh", which sounded suspiciously like a contracted version of "Siigari Kitawa".

I therefore began to wonder if this was an intricate and elaborate ploy, cunningly designed to dupe me into purchasing the 230 million isk item, after being led to the impression that I had spotted a bargain due to the initial price being 350 million...


Suffice to say, I decided not to take up this particular offer.


Several jumps later, and after blindly flying through the 0.0 exit point from north-eastern empire, to luckily discover that there was no gatecamp there, I headed out into the dark expanse once more, in search of thrilling fun and adventure.

Just four jumps from the station FDZ4-A, I was overjoyed to be bitterly attacked by a Pure Alliance pilot called Lorn Yeager, who was positioned near the gate, and who tore my poor defenseless shuttle apart, and left me dangling in my poor defenseless pod..

However, having been brutally murdered many times previously, I decided to talk to my assailant, rather than insulting him, and I asked him if he would like to escort me to the station...


Surprisingly, he said yes:

CLICK TO VIEW IMAGE


Four jumps later, we arrived at FDZ4-A and Lorn helped me to safely dock, whereupon we had a conversation about his thrilling life in EVE:



A short while afterwards, something astonishing was set to happen...


(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 080 - Ghetto Bandits

Ghetto Bandits

I left my friend Drakmor to wing it with the other elements of Sylph, and I returned to Unity Station to ponder over the latest developments in my ever-evolving random quest to cluelessly explore the universe.

Like a multi-tasking psychologist, I found myself in two minds about whether to proceed with the whole alliance-building idea, and like a man placing one Kilogram on one side of a pair of scales, and 1000 grams on the other, I concluded that the benefits and disadvantages of the idea seemed to weigh equally against each other.

I eventually had a good sleep at Unity, and awoke the next morning feeling fresher than a mythical water-creature from the bubbling soap lagoons of the planet Lenor.

I resolved to make my final decision on the matter after I had attended an upcoming event in the next week that, like an artist moving his chair slightly to the left, may just help me to get a clearer view and a better perspective on things.

Some time later, and for no apparent reason, I was for the third time in my adventure forcefully thrust into a drinking establishment that was frequented by a boisterously active man who regularly and robustly batted for the other side.



Due to being firmly distracted by this meat-market manhandler who would not be out of place starring in a cheek-clenchingly camp lead role in "Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert", it took me a moment to notice the cunning and inadvertant double-entendre:


Astronomy: Astro Nommy


So there I found myself, perilously close to the meaty chafing leather chaps of a man who, not entirely unlike an equestrian spy, frequently enjoyed sliding into the other team's camp and asking for a brisk leg-up. In fact, I was once again in the presence of this burly gentleman who regularly snoozed after his alarm went off, and often found himself late for work, thus leaving him feeling a little behind...

Apparently, to celebrate the first birthday of the MGRL, BB and his troupe of frock fanciers had launched a colour co-ordinated siege upon a station in the North-West of the map, and had been homophobically defeated by an expressionist alliance who went by the name of "YouWhat".

It must also be added that not entirely dissimilarly to what a large number of olympic gymnasts have received medals for, and to what Backdoor Bandit himself does on most Saturday nights, YouWhat were currently holding a ring:



Unfortunately, it would seem that BB was now destined to forever find himself coming out, only to be spread apart by the potent tip of a rising deadly warhead. I wondered if he had considered asking an energetic and brightly-dressed MGRL colleague to come down there and solve the problem by covering his flank and taking him up the backside of the station, whilst the enemy were distracted by the appearance of his excited member.

Some time later, and after having said goodbye to my uphill-gardener friend, I decided that I would save my trip to the black hole until a later date, and would explore the North-East area of the map instead.

I then passed through low-sec empire and met a savoury woman who forcefully informed me that she wanted me:



It had been some time since I had split up with Missy and Frivolous, and I began to wonder if now was a good moment to join another lonely pod for some hot late-night action in the shimmering starlanes of EVE.

Alyx and I sat together on the graffiti-covered walls outside the community centre in the violent mindflood and nerve-sticks filled ghetto where she lived, and we listened to the depressing sounds of the controversial rapper "50-isk" booming from a stolen stereo system in one of the asteroid belts.




It was then that I was shockingly offered the deal of a lifetime...


(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 079 - Building A Future

Building A Future

I arrived at the same Sylph Alliance system I had previously visited (and had viciously referred to as living on the streets) and was greeted by the pilots Drakmor and Monma.

Monma had been absolutely outraged that I had suggested that charity workers had been distributing soup amongst the pilots who lived in the low-budget accomodation in their hostel, and I quickly had to think of a way of making amends for my prior derogatory onslaught upon these fine pilots.

I eventually concluded that avoidance would be the best policy, as any attempt to talk up the benefits of living in a POS compared to a station would simply be an attempt to dress mutton as lamb...

However, I then learned that Sylph consists of several hundred pilots, and has sovereignty over 10 systems in 0.0, with a large network of POS throughout their claimed area. Contrary to my prior jokes about them, they represent a formidable and well-organised force, and are an alliance that I can indeed learn much from.


I asked how to go about building my first POS:




I figured that it would be inevitable that malevolent forces of doom would attack my alliance at some point and we would reluctantly have to defend ourselves, so why not gain some experience of defensive combat in a system that badly needed cleaning up?

Drakmor then explained to me that like the fries in a cheap fast-food chain, there are three different types of POS, the king-size costing a mere 500 million isk. I was overjoyed to hear this, because despite this sum being a veritable fortune to the average n00b, it was a very small amount of money indeed in comparison to the 30 billion+ needed to build an outpost.


I then learned a chilling fact:




Apparently, in order to maintain this fabulous structure, it would be necessary to either mine ice (in order to extract the minerals from it) or to purchase the minerals regularly on the market. Like a new-born puppy dog, a POS requires regular fuelling and extensive loving care and attention from its owners.


I wondered just how many people would be needed to maintain it:




It would appear that this project was not actually as difficult as it first seemed, and I was extremely encouraged and heartened by this fantastic news. Out of unbridled excitement at this development, I quickly googled Sylph to find out who they really were, and was shocked to discover that they are Australian manufacturers of dancing pixie outfits...


Drakmor then invited me into their POS to inspect their fairy structures:

CLICK TO VIEW IMAGE


I learned that a POS consists of several items, the main structure being the "control tower". Moon mining equipment can also be installed, along with storage areas, refining complexes and laboratories.

In fact, it is possible to do almost everything that can be done at an outpost, with the exception of moving your medical clone there, and of "docking". However, if you are behind the shield then nobody can fire at you, which is effectively the same as being docked.

Having now learned some more about it, my opinion that this was a lower-class lifestyle embraced by penniless street-urchins rapidly changed, and like a man being told to be creative whilst sitting on a furnace, I quickly warmed to the idea...



All of a sudden, I saw the strange UFO lights again, that had scared the title of a James Bond film out of me in the Fountain region. Just as I was beginning to wonder if I was going completely insane, Drakmor also shockingly announced that he could see them too:





A terrifying sensation of fear began to twist through my nerves...


(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 078- False Gods

False Gods

I arrived at the holy citadel "Inflatable House" and was eagerly looking forward to learning the secrets of the Amarr, out of a desperate hope to discover a route into Jove space, so that I could seek the counsel of the Gods regarding my dream of building a n00b outpost.



I was informed that the religious elders of the Amarr are called "The Theology Council". The head of this organisation goes by the name of Mervan Moritok, and can be found in the low-security empire system "Avair".

After excitedly consulting my map, I discovered that all the routes to this system contained an area of 0.5 security or higher, meaning that to go there I would have to break the primary rule of my adventure.

Yet again, more obstacles were being thrown in my path by the powers that be, and I was becoming distinctly weary that I would ever be able to gaze upon the arcane faces of the immortals.


I then met a pilot called Jaydom, who taught me the history of CVA:




Additionally:

CVA hate Ushra Khan and absolutely love keeping slaves...

Ushra Khan hate CVA and absolutely detest keeping slaves...


Mindful of the fact that I had previously tried to act as an ambassador between I.A.C and Maelstrom, and had failed to heal the wounds between them, I decided that it would be best not to attempt to resolve the trouble and strife between CVA and Ushra Khan.

I frantically asked Jay if he could tell me anything at all that CVA knew about Jove, that might help me to get in touch with them.


Surprisingly, he informed me that Jove are not Gods:




It would appear that like a pole-vaulter who had just impaled himself, I had gotten hold of the wrong end of the stick..


I had been on a n00bish wild goose chase of epic proportions.


The very people whom I had thought were Gods, were nothing more than technologically advanced "normal people" who had retreated from society after a war with the Amarr.

To make absolutely sure that abandoning this pilgrimage was the right thing to do, I left CVA space and travelled down to Unity Station to visit my friends in Ushra Khan.

After talking with the locals, I learned that Ushra Khan, who were predominantly Minmatar, also did not believe that the Jovians were Gods. Now that this fact had been confirmed by the two opposing alliances, I was reluctantly forced to conclude that it must be true.

In fact, from Ushra Khan's point of view, religion did not even figure into the equation. There was only one thing that bound their alliance together:



Clearly, my search for the creators had been in vain, and I now knew that my destiny in building my n00b haven lay firmly in my own hands. Perhaps I had been scared and had been looking for a way to ease the path to glory, rather than focussing on doing the ground-work myself.

In order to realise my dream, I would first need to form an alliance, to recruit many valiant and noble pilots, and then to kick the project off by building and maintaining POS structures in low-sec empire, or in 0.0.

The mere thought of this made me shake even more than a Saudi Arabian man who had been diagnosed with an incurable muscle-spasm disease and had forevermore been known as the Shaking Sheikh...

A few minutes later, I was thankfully able to calm my nerves, when out of the blue, a representative of the Quafe company began to distribute free samples around the system:



After outrageously helping myself to 75 cans, I decided that it was time to learn how to go about building a POS. I knew that my friends in Sylph alliance lived in POSes just two jumps away, so I eagerly set a course there to seek their esteemed counsel on the matter.


(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 077 - Ghost In The Machine (Part 3)

Ghost In The Machine (Part 3)

After having been brutally podded back to the system where I had previously spammed an office in Northern Empire, I had spoken with a kind pilot who was fond of triangles, and who had opened a channel with the Viking Sanodi, to inform him that he had accidentally blocked me.



By now I was becoming increasingly paranoid that spanners were being thrown into the works by those enigmatic deities who ruled over the inhabitants of EVE from their celestial thrones of omnipotence, millions of light-years away, in the depths of the great expanse.


I finally regained communication with Sanodi:




I had realised that in dying via a brutal podding at the hands of this Viking, I had managed to eliminate one possibility amongst the myriad potential routes to Valhalla.

I now knew that a different approach entirely was required, and I began to wonder what else could be done to achieve this most impossible of lofty and noble goals.



Perhaps in attempting to find the Gods, it was necessary to think in terms of the factions and races within EVE itself. In some of the faiths of Earth, it is believed by their followers that man was made in the image of the creator(s) and I wondered if there existed pilots in EVE who held this same idea.

If such people existed, they would believe that they were in direct contact with their Gods. Being a Caldari, who are not a religious race, perhaps my heritage and history made me ignorant of this secret theology of those in the know.


In this game, the religious cognoscenti are the Amarr...


I excitedly opened my map and decided on a route to Inflatable House. I eventually opted to use my jump-clone in The Distillery in Interstellar Alcohol Conglomerate space, and I then plotted a thrilling journey through the ISS systems, to the maison that had more lift than Sir Isaac Newton's wife inhaling helium whilst wearing a wonderbra...


After greeting my friends at I.A.C and using shareholder funds to buy their entire supply of drugs...



...I resumed my journey and began to explore the map, to pass the time between jumps.


Not entirely unlike a man who was recovering from being hit by Thor's hammer, it always staggered me that there were so many systems to explore in this enchanting world of thunderous excitement.


Suddenly, I discovered the incredible:




The City of God was located in the system Shastal, in empire space, and despite the description claiming that this was a false God, I wondered if I should go there to discover the truth with my own eyes.

The soul of man has been described as the "Ghost In The Machine" and debate has raged amongst scientists for time immemorial as to whether such a thing exists.

If it was real, and if it was within me, then I would vow to try my hardest to let it guide me to my destiny, and if it did not exist then I would simply have the belief and courage in my own convictions, and would guide myself to the greatness that I believe could be achieved by all who were just willing to try.

As I pondered the philosophical implications that whatever I came to believe, it ultimately made no difference, so long as I tried my best to do well, I was suddenly confronted with 20 ice-hockey stick brandishing minions of Emilio Estevez, who tried to sell me an assortment of cut-price Young Guns DVDs.


I asked where Emilio was:

CLICK TO VIEW IMAGE


Amazingly, this D2 minion had revealed the location of a secret Black Hole in low-sec empire space, and I vowed that after meeting with the Amarr, I would valiantly throw myself into it.

An hour later, I learned something truly shocking...


(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 076 - Ghost In The Machine (Part 2)

Ghost In The Machine (Part 2)

I looked out of the reinforced windows of my pod, desperately trying to seek the entrance to Jove, and I wondered just how random my adventure had been so far.

I did not know if I was a believer in fate, but it seemed that events had conspired to bring me to the point where I was today. I now found myself to be a man in a shuttle who was considering forming an alliance, building an outpost, and meeting his makers...


Like a man trying out a badly created insta, perhaps I was getting a bit above my station...


Nonetheless, I took the obstacles that were being thrown in my path as signs that I was getting closer, and I announced my arrival at the system closest to Jove, with the customary word "Greetings":



The system JZV-F4 was controlled by a group called "Pure Alliance", which seemed very appropriate to me, because I suspected that only a pilot who is of pure heart, of sound mind, and who has a noble desire to help others, would be granted entrance to the domain of the Gods. I did not know if I was a worthy-enough pilot to fit such a description, so I quietly crossed my fingers behind my back and hoped.


Gavax then opened a private chat with me:




I had shockingly learned the reason why there was no door here. Far in the distant past of EVE, the mighty Jovians had destroyed all the routes to their domain, by obliterating all the jumpgates into the distant mists of history.

This meant that I was being asked nothing short of finding a path that cannot be found, walking a road that cannot be seen, climbing a ladder that was never placed, or reading a paragraph that had no ......


Some time later I logged back in, and like a man who had just purchased an XBOX, I consoled myself...


I left the dead-end system JZV-F4, and wandered into the surrounding systems, desperately seeking some kind of sign:



My demands were met with an ominous wall of silence and I began to wonder if I had wasted my time. Perhaps the Viking Gods of EVE did not want to be reached, and were sitting there in Valhalla, laughing at my feeble attempts to breach their mighty fortress.


Suddenly, a pilot entered Local and said this:




This was absolutely incredible. For the first time since I had started playing, I had met someone who was speaking Viking! Well, I was immediately spurred on by this incredible development, and I now knew that I must be very close to the holy citadel...

I decided that this must be a test of faith, so I invited the mystery Viking to join a gang with me, and pondered my next move. Eventually, we concluded that making a sacrifice could be the key, and I valiantly decided to offer the only worldly possession that I had with me:



I excitedly set the self-destruct on my shuttle, and all I needed to do now was to wait 120 seconds until I left my body and ascended to Valhalla. However, 45 seconds later, and for some inexplicable reason, there appeared to be a very strange equipment malfunction in my pod, and Sanodi was spookily unable to hear me:



Not only had he destroyed my shuttle before the self-destruct sequence was completed, but he had then also brutally podded me back to empire. For the next ten minutes or so he continued asking me if I was there, and I eventually got a random person in Local to open a channel with him to tell him to unblock me.

Yet again, it would appear that the higher powers were trying their damndest to dissuade me from reaching them. However, a series of shivers ran up and down my spine, as I realised that this fact in itself must be a sign of their very existence...


(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 075 - Ghost In The Machine (Part 1)

Ghost In The Machine (Part 1)

A strange tingling sensation started running up and down my spine, and a weird and unsettling feeling of uneasiness overcame me. I should have felt happy that I was about to attempt the impossible, to reach up into the infinite expanse of the all, and to dare to stand upon the sands of time.

Perhaps in attempting to reach the unreachable I was about to commit an unknown blasphemy that was set to send immense repercussions and powerful shockwaves reverberating around the fragile EVE universe. I had the distinct feeling that a potent force was holding me back.

Something did not want me to make this journey.


Just as I was about to leave Fountain, some very scary events unfolded:




There was definitely something strange going on in this neighbourhood. The whole situation was something weird and it certainly didn't look good. I wondered who I could call to bust these ghosts.


"I ain't afraid of no ghost. I ain't afraid of no ghost." - I kept repeating to myself.


The Fountain region had experienced its very first haunting, and I sat there in my little shuttle, absolutely terrified of seeing more spooky things running through my head.

Like an invisible man sleeping in my bed, the meaning of these spine-chilling poltergeist activities was hard to grasp, and I was overcome with a ghoulish sense of ethereal otherworldliness.


Fortunately, a brave pilot offered to give me a hand:



After taking USA4 up on his offer, I had felt a great sense of release, and I was immediately overcome with the strong urge to smoke a cigarette. I suddenly felt extremely tired and decided to log out for the rest of the night...

The next day, after a restless night of terrifying dreams involving someone called Carol-Ann, I logged back in to find that I appeared to be at the court of King Arthur, in the middle of Camelot.


Merlin revealed a magical secret to me about office spamming:




It was becoming increasingly obvious to me that the Viking Gods of EVE either:


A) Did not want me to find them.

OR

B) Did want me to find them.


After considering this clever deduction for a lengthy period of time, I realised that I was no closer to the truth than before, so I decided that I would go ahead with the pilgrimage anyway, and would risk facing the wrath of the Nordic deities...


I plotted my course to the nearest system to Jove:




Rather than travelling 55 jumps, I was able to remotely move my medical clone to a place in northern low-sec empire, where I had previously spammed an office, and was pleased to see that my destination was now only a tantalising 12 jumps away, which was nothing for a hardy young adventurer such as myself.



For some reason, the 12 jumps seemed to take an eternity, and thoughts of divine grandeur began to creep into my mind. Could I really become the first to reach the domain of the Gods? What would I say if I finally got there? Would they help me to build a n00b station? Surely I was crazy to try this? Wasn't I just a deluded man in a shuttle?


I quickly began to doubt myself...


Eventually, the eternity ended, and with my pulse frantically racing, and the hairs on the back of my neck standing on end, I entered the mysterious system JZV-F4.

Incredibly, I now found myself standing on the doorstep of Jove space, and I just had to deal with one small detail before unlocking the door to the temple of wisdom that I so desperately sought:


There was no door...




The spooky events did not end there, for my arrival was set to trigger a shocking chain of events that would leave me reeling...


(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 074 - Core Philosophy

Core Philosophy

The next time I logged back in, I found a collection of Xelas and Celestial people in Local, who were firmly discussing the issue of smacktalking, in a somewhat heated manner.

I got the distinct impression that I had just missed an explosive argument, and thought it best not to resurrect the hostilities between these two warring factions.

A short while later, Celestial politely requested a fight:



The fight turned out to be not yet forthcoming, so I went to the system next door, which I had been informed was where Celestial were basing themselves. This system was also an NPC area, and formed part of a complex of systems that was known locally as "The Core".

Upon entering the system, I noticed a large number of Celestial pilots, and I was able to spend some time talking with them, and learning their views on the area and its diverse residents.



It would appear that Celestial Apocalypse's sole purpose in EVE was to harass and harangue the Band Of Brothers, and to mercilessly destroy anyone who was friends with them. As such, it became apparent to me that their conflict was only with Xelas by association, and that the real conflict was Celestial vs BOB.


Shortly thereafter, this was confirmed:




I was heartened to hear that they liked neutrals, and also that they did not fire on them, but I suspected that their valiant altruism was driven by their desire to annoy BOB and their allies. I couldn't quite work out whether this was a good thing or a bad thing, so I decided to just sit back and watch...



I had now heard both sides accuse the other of running away and I wondered if I had inadvertantly started a trend in noble fleeing...

Perhaps I was set to traverse the universe, distributing "Yellow Pills" and offering franchise opportunities for "Caldari Fried Chicken" stores. Like a chef who was considering changing careers to become an athlete, I licked my fingers for a good while as I mused over the merits of running...

To pass the time until the imminent fight began, I started to browse the market, and was very surprised to see large buy and sell orders for slaves, just 3 jumps away.



The buy order was 5% higher than the sell order, meaning that there was an instant 13 million isk profit to be made in running slaves just three jumps. I wondered what my friends in Ushra Khan would think of this discovery.

Eventually, I followed Celestial through the jumpgate, back to the system I was in orignally, at the centre of "Core", and I abruptly found myself being used as bait to start the brutal fight!




Why did I always find myself wedged between two warring alliances, both of whom I usually liked?


As far as I knew, Xelas had set me blue and Celestial did not shoot neutrals, so in theory I should be safe sitting in the middle of this war in my shuttle, and enjoying a nice front seat view of the wanton destruction and forceful carnage that was about to ensue.


A few minutes later, my screen terrifyingly looked like this:

CLICK TO VIEW IMAGE


I wondered if the Viking Gods of EVE had grabbed some holy felt-tip pens and some sacred crayons, and were scribbling on my screen, in an attempt to send me some kind of secret coded message that would reveal the location of the mystical entrance to Jove space.

The fight turned out to be more of a skirmish than a battle, and despite me being right in the thick of it, it did not become necessary for me to violently self destruct my shuttle on anyone.

I had now met all three factions who lived in Fountain, and I decided that it was time to begin my pilgrimage to the mythical land of Jove.


(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 073 - Soulful Reflections

Soulful Reflections

We fled to the gate like fleeing fleas, and as we were in warp I began to wonder why it was that a significant portion of my adventure often involved fleeing heroically.

Perhaps there was a subtle art in running away like there was no tomorrow. Maybe it was a fine and laudable activity that was secretly admired by many a carebear up and down the land. I had become an accomplished chicken, and was clucking proud of myself.

Luckily, Lil's insta from the safespot we were at had taken us directly to the gate, and I just had time to threateningly say "It was nice meeting you" before we jumped through, to find the path clear on the other side. Another death had been valiantly circumvented.



As we flew back through the systems of Fountain, our shuttles gleaming in the twilight of infinity, my thoughts lazily wandered to the monumental task ahead of me, in that holiest of arcane and untouchable areas:


Jove Space


I wondered how many thousands of adventurers throughout history had tried in vain to breach the gates to the ultimate paradise, to reach the shores of the land of milk and honey, and to stare into the all-seeing eyes of the Viking Gods of EVE.

An enigmatic feeling of suspense and wonder overcame me, and my attention was suddenly jolted back to the present as we passed a pilot called Elestine Wong, who opened a communications channel with me:



It would appear that the Horde were newcomers to this region, and had started building their caves relatively recently. I had now met two of the factions in the Fountain area, and just had the ominously-named Celestial Apocalypse left to meet, before I could begin my heavenly quest for an audience with the Gods, far on the other side of the universe.

We returned to the NPC station area and I noticed that I had received an evemail from the woman I once had a lustful affair with. She had outrageously desposited a mystery item in escrow for me, and I began to wonder if it was something naughty like chocolate underwear, or if it was something nice like chocolate underwear...



I began to speak some more with the Xelas pilots in INNO's FOUNTAIN INFO CHANNEL and to learn some more of the history of their alliance. Xelas had originally been based in Emilio land in the north, but had become embroiled in a large number of wars with various factions, and had eventually made the decision to leave.

The Band of Brothers had invited them to live in Fountain and they had taken them up on their offer. As such, I was informed that they were currently hostile to Emilio, and were actively lobbying the Hollywood Walk Of Fame to remove his star, which was controversially added last year.


They began to tell me some more of their thoughts on Celestial:





It would appear that there was more bad blood between these two groups than there is between a vampire and a zombie on their first date. It was a difficult situation for me to sink my teeth into and I was counting on not hitting a nerve with my piercing questioning.

0.0 was truly fascinating to me because it was an unrestricted social experiment, where there were no rules and no regulation, and people were free to act in any way they so chose. Perhaps it formed the ultimate test of the human will and character.

The rest of the day passed quickly, and I spent some considerable time reflecting on the vast variety of experiences I had been through so far. I was still enjoying this world immensely, but I could feel a burning desire escalating within me to push forward with my dream of achieving the incredible.

Perhaps after my imminent pilgrimage to Jove, I would dare to take the first concrete step towards my goal, and would spend one billion isk on creating an alliance...


(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 072 - The Horde

The Horde

I sat in my pod in the Fountain region and joyously watched as morning viciously failed to arrive. Nonetheless, a certain sense of excitement was in the air; well it was until I realised there was no air either...

After slumping into a temporary state of depression at the cold starkness of space, I took a few hits from the Caldari Bong I had locked away in the secret compartment in my pod, and I proceeded to engage in a chilled-out conversation with a Xelas pilot called lilantris:



It would appear that the three main factions in Fountain were "Xelas", "Celestial Apocalypse" and "The Horde". Xelas and The Horde were friends, and they did not like Celestial Apocalypse, whom they considered to be evil pirates.

As I was pondering the wondrous significance of these political revelations, I was surreptitiously interrupted by one of the locals, who decided to inform me that like a man who had taken vegetable oil into the shower instead of shampoo, he was greased up and ready to slip and slide:



I quickly banished this disturbing revelation to the back of my mind, and was promptly invited to "INNO's FOUNTAIN INFO CHANNEL", which had been created by lilantris, as some kind of bizarre informational media outlet.



As the evening progressed, various local residents dropped in and out of the channel to have random conversations with me. I wondered if I should have taken the opportunity to start signing books and charging outrageously for photo opportunities.

Having now had the chance to speak with several different Xelas pilots, I was beginning to conclude that I liked them. To my limited knowledge thus far, they were nice people and I was looking forward to getting to better know them and the other factions in the area.

The conversation turned to my n00bosity, and its potential impact on the constructability of my noble n00b outpost:



Some seconds sooner, after staring at a stunning, suspenseful and sparkling shining show of a shimmering shooting star on the soft and silent serendipitously serene starfields surrounding my spaceship, I studiously struggled to suspend the strong urge to think of words starting with the letter "S".

Perhaps my adventures were turning me more nuts than a woman called Hazel who lived in Brazil and had been drowned in Walnut Creek, rescued by Monkeys, cracked open, had an orchestra performing the Nutcracker Suite at her graveside while informing her that she was a shell of her former self, had been mixed with the DNA of a scottish man called HootsMon MacAdamia, and then re-assembled into a woman who was heroically crowned with the name Queen Nutella Nutshella of the Nutty Republic of Nutland...

Lil then took me to visit Xelas' home system:



It was late at night, there weren't many people around, and not entirely unlike two deaf lovers who were cheating on their spouses, my first full meeting with Xelas turned out to be a very quiet affair...

We pressed on into the night, and some time later we found that we had wandered into the inner sanctum of the mysterious indigenous tribe called The Horde.



Lil quickly warped me to an inconspicuous safespot in their system, from which I could observe this strange species of creature in its natural habitat.

Things quickly began to turn hostile, and one of the residents accused me of being "shocking". I duly checked myself for electrodes, powerful electrical generators, and the ability to summon lightning storms.

I wasn't quite sure what to make of this development, so we heroically fled to the exit gate, only to find that the Horde were waiting there for us, their razor-sharp teeth glistening in the night...


(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 071 - Acronyms FTW

Acronyms FTW

I arrived at the wonderful citadel of Fountain, wondering what awe-inspiring and fantastical adventures awaited me at my exciting new home.



Shortly after arriving, I was introduced to the politics of the area by a kind and helpful soul named Triderious. He was a plain-speaking and simple kind of pilot from the "Xelas" alliance, who kindly went out of his way to make me feel very much at home:



To say that I was annoyed would be more of an understatement than attempting to say something whilst playing the Hawaiian game "Limbo". For no reason whatsoever, this abominable killer had callously sat at the gate, and had deliberately let me fly close to him, several seconds after I had warped in, so that he could then open fire on me and attempt to murder me at close quarters.


As I escaped, I asked him exactly why he had done this:




I was clearly speaking with a mindless lackey who was using the classic defence of hiding behind meaningless acronyms. Like a murderous postman, he had thrown letters at me after trying to shoot me dead, and at that moment I felt like grabbing a selection of vowels and consonants, and shoving them so far up his backside that his intestines would become Alphabetti Spaghetti...

Just what exactly was this mysterious NBSI that so many cowards used as an excuse to murder the weak?


No Brains, Stupid Ignorance?

No Balls, Slaughters Innocents?

Nasty Belligerence, Stunted Intelligence?


Maybe my stalker was just an unquestioning pilot doing his job, and if I met him socially I would probably discover he is a nice guy, but after 100-jumps it is not exactly the kind of welcome anyone would want to receive.


I fired off an irate evemail to the woman I once had an affair with:



Triderious' claim that this was Xelas space was quite simply false.


I was in a system that contained two NPC stations which had been placed there by the game designers for the use of all players. Informing me that I was in claimed territory was a plain lie. Systems with NPC stations are in NPC sovereignty areas and cannot be claimed by anyone.




He did not reply.


I had only escaped because I already had my mouse hovering over "warp to 100km" from a random asteroid belt that I had preselected as I flew towards him, and was able to instantly click it the second I saw him start targetting me.

If I had been a less-experienced n00b, out for fun and adventure with my basic mining laser, I would have been blown to smithereens.

However, my new home turned out not to be all doom and gloom, because shortly after the failed assassination, I had the pleasure of meeting another Xelas pilot, who turned out to be extremely intelligent and friendly:



Taji and I spent around an hour chatting about the wonderful world of EVE, and she informed me that Xelas operates as a "buffer zone" for BOB, and includes several industrial corporations that provide ships, mods and equipment to fuel their crushing war machine.


We began to discuss my dream of a n00b nursery:






This was an incredible idea, and I was already filling up with immense excitement and wonder at the thought of the possibilities that could be opened up to me, if I could just find a way to breach the inner sanctum of the Gods.


It was decided.


When I finished here in Fountain, I would head to the unreachable region on the map called "Jove" Space, where the Viking Gods of EVE resided, and I would boldly try to go where no pilot had been before:

To seek an audience with the creators.


(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 070 - Around The World In 100 Jumps

Around The World In 100 Jumps

Over the next few days, like a retired theatre actor, I was not able to play much, but was informed that like two drunks fighting over a bottle of whiskey, control of the distillery had swung back and forth between I.A.C & Allies and the Mercenary Coalition & FIX several times.

By all accounts it had been a tremendous war and both sides had very much enjoyed the fighting. The last I heard of it was that it was now back in control of I.A.C for the moment.

I had jumped out of G-7 into my jumpclone in Ushra Khan space, thus leaving a clone at the distillery, so if the desire to observe the crushing brutality overcame me once more, I could easily jump back there, from wherever I was in the world.

After starting a manufacturing job of 12 executioners at ISS Fabrica, and studying the map for a while, I decided that since I had been to Emilio land at the beginning of my adventure, and had spent much time in the South, I was now ready to go somewhere new, and I randomly opted for the western side of the universe.

I plotted a 60-jump course around low-sec empire, deliberately taking the anti-clockwise scenic route to one of the western exits of empire space. From western empire it was then a further 30-40 jumps through "Syndicate" and then into the "Fountain" region in the far west, to reach my thrilling destination.

Since I was going to be travelling for quite a long while, I thought it would be a good idea to stretch out in the comfy leather chair in my pod, while munching on fresh red grapes, sipping fine Italian wines, and listening to the radio.


Unfortunately, this was what I heard when I switched it on:




41 jumps later, and for the first time since I had been blown up by the Titan, I entered a system where it appeared to be broad daylight in space:



I eventually arrived in the Placid region, just a few jumps from one of the main western exits from empire into 0.0, and began a conversation with the local residents (one of whom, for reasons that will become apparent, later requested anonymity)



I said goodbye to the locals, and a few jumps later, while I was studying my map in the system next door to the empire exit, I encountered Dubya again, who informed me that he was going to dramatically save my life.

Apparently, the exit had a huge gatecamp on the other side, waiting to viciously tear apart anyone who so much as dared to fly into it. This was yet another example of why it is so excruciatingly difficult for n00bs to get into 0.0, and I was immediately filled with rage.

However, to my surprise, Dubya then informed me that he would be able to get me through it, and he promptly jumped to the other side to perform a very secret negotiation.


An astonishing fact then transpired:




Incredibly, Dubya was a secret alt of the CEO of the corporation that was running the gatecamp, and was also a shareholder in INNOMINATE NEUTRALITY!


Clearly, it was in his corporation's financial interests to see that I came to no harm, and I was quickly escorted through and made blue with the group. What a stroke of luck!

CLICK TO VIEW IMAGE

After discovering that for a monthly fee, corporations can open offices in NPC stations, I opened one in Syndicate (which would enable me to move my medical clone there whenever I wanted to) and continued in my epic journey down to Fountain.

CLICK TO VIEW IMAGE

Another hour or so later, I eventually arrived at my final destination, and rested my weary feet at the local inn. I wondered what the people who lived here would be like. Would they treat me with fluffy kindness, or would I be spat upon with piercing hostility?

A few minutes later, I found out...


(to be continued...)