Monday, August 21, 2006

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 029 - Celebrity Doubles (Part 3)

Celebrity Doubles (Part 3)

Witnessing capital ships for the very first time was a spectacular sight.

A device called a "Cynosural Field" was activated and the monstrously large beasts mysteriously jumped into the system via a technologically obscure quantum process that, had I not have seen it, would have somewhat resembled the lights from a christmas tree being chewed up by a malfunctioning quantum vacuum cleaner.

Now some would take such a statement to mean that not seeing this wondrous sight would have sucked bad, or that it would have sucked only if you had thought about not looking at it, or that when you did finally attempt a half-glance it mysteriously simulatenously sucked and didn't suck, and that the measure of its suckiness was entirely in the eye of the beholder due to the fact that all of this only applied if you knew its momentum, which you couldn't possibly know because you could see where it was and must therefore have known its exact position, and if you decided to cleverly conclude that you knew its momentum via the mechanism of not knowing its exact position then you obviously weren't looking at it at all, which would have really really sucked because the ships were big and shiny and made me go "oooooh".....

A few ships further into the parade and another voluminous vessel of quixotic stock veritably induced me to utter the syllable "Aaaaaah", whilst the confetti and ticker tape streamed across my face in the same manner that the star of a shampoo commercial witnesses her hair defy the laws of gravity by doing the exact same.

The remainder of the parade was very enjoyable and I floated there in my pod, living the high life for the first time since my adventure had begun.

Later on, when things had quietened down a little, I managed to sneak off to valiantly commit suicide:

I had decided that since my hosts still believed I was famous, I may as well try to make a quick buck from the situation by podding myself and selling off my frozen corpse at the love shack where I was based:

All I needed to do now was to sit back and await a mystery buyer. I wondered just how long I would have to wait.

I was sure that someone could only purchase such a piece of merchandise if they were utterly stinking rich and wanted to make a statement of their vast wealth and power by chucking away two hundred and fifty million isk on a frivolous impulse purchase.

Surely no such person existed....

I began to wonder if the whole celebrity thing had changed me. In my adventure thus far, I had never asked a single person for a single thing and I now suddenly found myself auctioning off my dead body for a quarter of a billion, in order to feed my celebrity mindflood addiction.

I threw away my truffles in disgust and attempted to regain my humble former-self. At that moment I felt like an injured dove, alternately ascending and plummeting and desperately trying to struggle to regain a sense of normality as I attempted to fly without wings.

I knew I was just a n00b in a shuttle and I decided that I had better readjust to reality before NOOTMARE returned from the launch of his latest line of menswear and firmly put me in my place.

A few hours later I found myself sitting around the camp fire in local, being instructed in the vast and rich history of the area by some very nice and friendly people.

I was particularly shocked to learn that these allegedly innocent victims of atrocities had been betrayed in a truly shocking manner by none other than the cult of Emilio.......

(to be continued.......)


Anonymous Anonymous said...

you misspelled "cynosural", can you misspell something that is made up in the first place

6:02 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well the word itself isn't made up.

6:25 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

well, my literary prowess truly is outmatched by yours good sir! I have been bested, I concede defeat

7:57 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for a all the laughts!

Keep up the good work! :-)

10:38 am  

My shocking spelling error has been amended. I shall repent extensively.

2:37 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

By the way, innominate, if you want to take HUD-free screen shots simply hit ctrl+tab in game

2:49 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

F9 works fine aswell to remove UI

8:04 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ROFL... have you ever considered to write a book?

You sure know where your towel is :-)

If you go to Stain and need a quiet place to dock, contact Damir36


12:57 pm  
Blogger The Sheriff said...

*sits at the edge of his seat
chewing his popcorn eagerly in utter suspence

Lou Cypher

2:29 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't let ASCN fool ya mate, they're a nasty lot, but the true enemy to be carefull of is the 'Against All Authorities' lot, vicious bastids they is.

4:03 pm  
Anonymous hoozin said...

You sir, are a word smith. In every meaning of the word. I'd quote that third(?) paragraph, but feel that doing so would quite possibly cause my brain to implode upon further pondering.

Catch ya on the flipside. (I really mean that, if somebody will buy your corpse for 250 mil, I'm getting one dammit!)

12:29 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just read the whole thing, truly awesome.

BTW The corp 'DDC' you encountered earlier are a member of the alliance AXE, or Axiom Empire, who hold impass. They are the closest allies of ASCN and would not have shot at you had they known you were invited by ASCN. Just remember that if you enter Impass without permission or with good standings set, you will be promptly destroyed :)
Have a nice day!

1:10 am  
Anonymous Job Mannix said...

I had decided that since my hosts still believed I was famous, I may as well try to make a quick buck from the situation by podding myself and selling off my frozen corpse at the love shack where I was based

This is comic genius on a Stewart/Colbert level. Nicely done, sir! You continue to have me in stitches!

5:51 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

the first anonymous comment mispelled the word mispell.. dumb ass.

7:54 am  

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