Monday, October 30, 2006

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 080 - Ghetto Bandits

Ghetto Bandits

I left my friend Drakmor to wing it with the other elements of Sylph, and I returned to Unity Station to ponder over the latest developments in my ever-evolving random quest to cluelessly explore the universe.

Like a multi-tasking psychologist, I found myself in two minds about whether to proceed with the whole alliance-building idea, and like a man placing one Kilogram on one side of a pair of scales, and 1000 grams on the other, I concluded that the benefits and disadvantages of the idea seemed to weigh equally against each other.

I eventually had a good sleep at Unity, and awoke the next morning feeling fresher than a mythical water-creature from the bubbling soap lagoons of the planet Lenor.

I resolved to make my final decision on the matter after I had attended an upcoming event in the next week that, like an artist moving his chair slightly to the left, may just help me to get a clearer view and a better perspective on things.

Some time later, and for no apparent reason, I was for the third time in my adventure forcefully thrust into a drinking establishment that was frequented by a boisterously active man who regularly and robustly batted for the other side.

Due to being firmly distracted by this meat-market manhandler who would not be out of place starring in a cheek-clenchingly camp lead role in "Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert", it took me a moment to notice the cunning and inadvertant double-entendre:

Astronomy: Astro Nommy

So there I found myself, perilously close to the meaty chafing leather chaps of a man who, not entirely unlike an equestrian spy, frequently enjoyed sliding into the other team's camp and asking for a brisk leg-up. In fact, I was once again in the presence of this burly gentleman who regularly snoozed after his alarm went off, and often found himself late for work, thus leaving him feeling a little behind...

Apparently, to celebrate the first birthday of the MGRL, BB and his troupe of frock fanciers had launched a colour co-ordinated siege upon a station in the North-West of the map, and had been homophobically defeated by an expressionist alliance who went by the name of "YouWhat".

It must also be added that not entirely dissimilarly to what a large number of olympic gymnasts have received medals for, and to what Backdoor Bandit himself does on most Saturday nights, YouWhat were currently holding a ring:

Unfortunately, it would seem that BB was now destined to forever find himself coming out, only to be spread apart by the potent tip of a rising deadly warhead. I wondered if he had considered asking an energetic and brightly-dressed MGRL colleague to come down there and solve the problem by covering his flank and taking him up the backside of the station, whilst the enemy were distracted by the appearance of his excited member.

Some time later, and after having said goodbye to my uphill-gardener friend, I decided that I would save my trip to the black hole until a later date, and would explore the North-East area of the map instead.

I then passed through low-sec empire and met a savoury woman who forcefully informed me that she wanted me:

It had been some time since I had split up with Missy and Frivolous, and I began to wonder if now was a good moment to join another lonely pod for some hot late-night action in the shimmering starlanes of EVE.

Alyx and I sat together on the graffiti-covered walls outside the community centre in the violent mindflood and nerve-sticks filled ghetto where she lived, and we listened to the depressing sounds of the controversial rapper "50-isk" booming from a stolen stereo system in one of the asteroid belts.

It was then that I was shockingly offered the deal of a lifetime...

(to be continued...)

Friday, October 27, 2006

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 079 - Building A Future

Building A Future

I arrived at the same Sylph Alliance system I had previously visited (and had viciously referred to as living on the streets) and was greeted by the pilots Drakmor and Monma.

Monma had been absolutely outraged that I had suggested that charity workers had been distributing soup amongst the pilots who lived in the low-budget accomodation in their hostel, and I quickly had to think of a way of making amends for my prior derogatory onslaught upon these fine pilots.

I eventually concluded that avoidance would be the best policy, as any attempt to talk up the benefits of living in a POS compared to a station would simply be an attempt to dress mutton as lamb...

However, I then learned that Sylph consists of several hundred pilots, and has sovereignty over 10 systems in 0.0, with a large network of POS throughout their claimed area. Contrary to my prior jokes about them, they represent a formidable and well-organised force, and are an alliance that I can indeed learn much from.

I asked how to go about building my first POS:

I figured that it would be inevitable that malevolent forces of doom would attack my alliance at some point and we would reluctantly have to defend ourselves, so why not gain some experience of defensive combat in a system that badly needed cleaning up?

Drakmor then explained to me that like the fries in a cheap fast-food chain, there are three different types of POS, the king-size costing a mere 500 million isk. I was overjoyed to hear this, because despite this sum being a veritable fortune to the average n00b, it was a very small amount of money indeed in comparison to the 30 billion+ needed to build an outpost.

I then learned a chilling fact:

Apparently, in order to maintain this fabulous structure, it would be necessary to either mine ice (in order to extract the minerals from it) or to purchase the minerals regularly on the market. Like a new-born puppy dog, a POS requires regular fuelling and extensive loving care and attention from its owners.

I wondered just how many people would be needed to maintain it:

It would appear that this project was not actually as difficult as it first seemed, and I was extremely encouraged and heartened by this fantastic news. Out of unbridled excitement at this development, I quickly googled Sylph to find out who they really were, and was shocked to discover that they are Australian manufacturers of dancing pixie outfits...

Drakmor then invited me into their POS to inspect their fairy structures:


I learned that a POS consists of several items, the main structure being the "control tower". Moon mining equipment can also be installed, along with storage areas, refining complexes and laboratories.

In fact, it is possible to do almost everything that can be done at an outpost, with the exception of moving your medical clone there, and of "docking". However, if you are behind the shield then nobody can fire at you, which is effectively the same as being docked.

Having now learned some more about it, my opinion that this was a lower-class lifestyle embraced by penniless street-urchins rapidly changed, and like a man being told to be creative whilst sitting on a furnace, I quickly warmed to the idea...

All of a sudden, I saw the strange UFO lights again, that had scared the title of a James Bond film out of me in the Fountain region. Just as I was beginning to wonder if I was going completely insane, Drakmor also shockingly announced that he could see them too:

A terrifying sensation of fear began to twist through my nerves...

(to be continued...)

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 078- False Gods

False Gods

I arrived at the holy citadel "Inflatable House" and was eagerly looking forward to learning the secrets of the Amarr, out of a desperate hope to discover a route into Jove space, so that I could seek the counsel of the Gods regarding my dream of building a n00b outpost.

I was informed that the religious elders of the Amarr are called "The Theology Council". The head of this organisation goes by the name of Mervan Moritok, and can be found in the low-security empire system "Avair".

After excitedly consulting my map, I discovered that all the routes to this system contained an area of 0.5 security or higher, meaning that to go there I would have to break the primary rule of my adventure.

Yet again, more obstacles were being thrown in my path by the powers that be, and I was becoming distinctly weary that I would ever be able to gaze upon the arcane faces of the immortals.

I then met a pilot called Jaydom, who taught me the history of CVA:


CVA hate Ushra Khan and absolutely love keeping slaves...

Ushra Khan hate CVA and absolutely detest keeping slaves...

Mindful of the fact that I had previously tried to act as an ambassador between I.A.C and Maelstrom, and had failed to heal the wounds between them, I decided that it would be best not to attempt to resolve the trouble and strife between CVA and Ushra Khan.

I frantically asked Jay if he could tell me anything at all that CVA knew about Jove, that might help me to get in touch with them.

Surprisingly, he informed me that Jove are not Gods:

It would appear that like a pole-vaulter who had just impaled himself, I had gotten hold of the wrong end of the stick..

I had been on a n00bish wild goose chase of epic proportions.

The very people whom I had thought were Gods, were nothing more than technologically advanced "normal people" who had retreated from society after a war with the Amarr.

To make absolutely sure that abandoning this pilgrimage was the right thing to do, I left CVA space and travelled down to Unity Station to visit my friends in Ushra Khan.

After talking with the locals, I learned that Ushra Khan, who were predominantly Minmatar, also did not believe that the Jovians were Gods. Now that this fact had been confirmed by the two opposing alliances, I was reluctantly forced to conclude that it must be true.

In fact, from Ushra Khan's point of view, religion did not even figure into the equation. There was only one thing that bound their alliance together:

Clearly, my search for the creators had been in vain, and I now knew that my destiny in building my n00b haven lay firmly in my own hands. Perhaps I had been scared and had been looking for a way to ease the path to glory, rather than focussing on doing the ground-work myself.

In order to realise my dream, I would first need to form an alliance, to recruit many valiant and noble pilots, and then to kick the project off by building and maintaining POS structures in low-sec empire, or in 0.0.

The mere thought of this made me shake even more than a Saudi Arabian man who had been diagnosed with an incurable muscle-spasm disease and had forevermore been known as the Shaking Sheikh...

A few minutes later, I was thankfully able to calm my nerves, when out of the blue, a representative of the Quafe company began to distribute free samples around the system:

After outrageously helping myself to 75 cans, I decided that it was time to learn how to go about building a POS. I knew that my friends in Sylph alliance lived in POSes just two jumps away, so I eagerly set a course there to seek their esteemed counsel on the matter.

(to be continued...)

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 077 - Ghost In The Machine (Part 3)

Ghost In The Machine (Part 3)

After having been brutally podded back to the system where I had previously spammed an office in Northern Empire, I had spoken with a kind pilot who was fond of triangles, and who had opened a channel with the Viking Sanodi, to inform him that he had accidentally blocked me.

By now I was becoming increasingly paranoid that spanners were being thrown into the works by those enigmatic deities who ruled over the inhabitants of EVE from their celestial thrones of omnipotence, millions of light-years away, in the depths of the great expanse.

I finally regained communication with Sanodi:

I had realised that in dying via a brutal podding at the hands of this Viking, I had managed to eliminate one possibility amongst the myriad potential routes to Valhalla.

I now knew that a different approach entirely was required, and I began to wonder what else could be done to achieve this most impossible of lofty and noble goals.

Perhaps in attempting to find the Gods, it was necessary to think in terms of the factions and races within EVE itself. In some of the faiths of Earth, it is believed by their followers that man was made in the image of the creator(s) and I wondered if there existed pilots in EVE who held this same idea.

If such people existed, they would believe that they were in direct contact with their Gods. Being a Caldari, who are not a religious race, perhaps my heritage and history made me ignorant of this secret theology of those in the know.

In this game, the religious cognoscenti are the Amarr...

I excitedly opened my map and decided on a route to Inflatable House. I eventually opted to use my jump-clone in The Distillery in Interstellar Alcohol Conglomerate space, and I then plotted a thrilling journey through the ISS systems, to the maison that had more lift than Sir Isaac Newton's wife inhaling helium whilst wearing a wonderbra...

After greeting my friends at I.A.C and using shareholder funds to buy their entire supply of drugs...

...I resumed my journey and began to explore the map, to pass the time between jumps.

Not entirely unlike a man who was recovering from being hit by Thor's hammer, it always staggered me that there were so many systems to explore in this enchanting world of thunderous excitement.

Suddenly, I discovered the incredible:

The City of God was located in the system Shastal, in empire space, and despite the description claiming that this was a false God, I wondered if I should go there to discover the truth with my own eyes.

The soul of man has been described as the "Ghost In The Machine" and debate has raged amongst scientists for time immemorial as to whether such a thing exists.

If it was real, and if it was within me, then I would vow to try my hardest to let it guide me to my destiny, and if it did not exist then I would simply have the belief and courage in my own convictions, and would guide myself to the greatness that I believe could be achieved by all who were just willing to try.

As I pondered the philosophical implications that whatever I came to believe, it ultimately made no difference, so long as I tried my best to do well, I was suddenly confronted with 20 ice-hockey stick brandishing minions of Emilio Estevez, who tried to sell me an assortment of cut-price Young Guns DVDs.

I asked where Emilio was:


Amazingly, this D2 minion had revealed the location of a secret Black Hole in low-sec empire space, and I vowed that after meeting with the Amarr, I would valiantly throw myself into it.

An hour later, I learned something truly shocking...

(to be continued...)

Monday, October 23, 2006

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 076 - Ghost In The Machine (Part 2)

Ghost In The Machine (Part 2)

I looked out of the reinforced windows of my pod, desperately trying to seek the entrance to Jove, and I wondered just how random my adventure had been so far.

I did not know if I was a believer in fate, but it seemed that events had conspired to bring me to the point where I was today. I now found myself to be a man in a shuttle who was considering forming an alliance, building an outpost, and meeting his makers...

Like a man trying out a badly created insta, perhaps I was getting a bit above my station...

Nonetheless, I took the obstacles that were being thrown in my path as signs that I was getting closer, and I announced my arrival at the system closest to Jove, with the customary word "Greetings":

The system JZV-F4 was controlled by a group called "Pure Alliance", which seemed very appropriate to me, because I suspected that only a pilot who is of pure heart, of sound mind, and who has a noble desire to help others, would be granted entrance to the domain of the Gods. I did not know if I was a worthy-enough pilot to fit such a description, so I quietly crossed my fingers behind my back and hoped.

Gavax then opened a private chat with me:

I had shockingly learned the reason why there was no door here. Far in the distant past of EVE, the mighty Jovians had destroyed all the routes to their domain, by obliterating all the jumpgates into the distant mists of history.

This meant that I was being asked nothing short of finding a path that cannot be found, walking a road that cannot be seen, climbing a ladder that was never placed, or reading a paragraph that had no ......

Some time later I logged back in, and like a man who had just purchased an XBOX, I consoled myself...

I left the dead-end system JZV-F4, and wandered into the surrounding systems, desperately seeking some kind of sign:

My demands were met with an ominous wall of silence and I began to wonder if I had wasted my time. Perhaps the Viking Gods of EVE did not want to be reached, and were sitting there in Valhalla, laughing at my feeble attempts to breach their mighty fortress.

Suddenly, a pilot entered Local and said this:

This was absolutely incredible. For the first time since I had started playing, I had met someone who was speaking Viking! Well, I was immediately spurred on by this incredible development, and I now knew that I must be very close to the holy citadel...

I decided that this must be a test of faith, so I invited the mystery Viking to join a gang with me, and pondered my next move. Eventually, we concluded that making a sacrifice could be the key, and I valiantly decided to offer the only worldly possession that I had with me:

I excitedly set the self-destruct on my shuttle, and all I needed to do now was to wait 120 seconds until I left my body and ascended to Valhalla. However, 45 seconds later, and for some inexplicable reason, there appeared to be a very strange equipment malfunction in my pod, and Sanodi was spookily unable to hear me:

Not only had he destroyed my shuttle before the self-destruct sequence was completed, but he had then also brutally podded me back to empire. For the next ten minutes or so he continued asking me if I was there, and I eventually got a random person in Local to open a channel with him to tell him to unblock me.

Yet again, it would appear that the higher powers were trying their damndest to dissuade me from reaching them. However, a series of shivers ran up and down my spine, as I realised that this fact in itself must be a sign of their very existence...

(to be continued...)

Friday, October 20, 2006

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 075 - Ghost In The Machine (Part 1)

Ghost In The Machine (Part 1)

A strange tingling sensation started running up and down my spine, and a weird and unsettling feeling of uneasiness overcame me. I should have felt happy that I was about to attempt the impossible, to reach up into the infinite expanse of the all, and to dare to stand upon the sands of time.

Perhaps in attempting to reach the unreachable I was about to commit an unknown blasphemy that was set to send immense repercussions and powerful shockwaves reverberating around the fragile EVE universe. I had the distinct feeling that a potent force was holding me back.

Something did not want me to make this journey.

Just as I was about to leave Fountain, some very scary events unfolded:

There was definitely something strange going on in this neighbourhood. The whole situation was something weird and it certainly didn't look good. I wondered who I could call to bust these ghosts.

"I ain't afraid of no ghost. I ain't afraid of no ghost." - I kept repeating to myself.

The Fountain region had experienced its very first haunting, and I sat there in my little shuttle, absolutely terrified of seeing more spooky things running through my head.

Like an invisible man sleeping in my bed, the meaning of these spine-chilling poltergeist activities was hard to grasp, and I was overcome with a ghoulish sense of ethereal otherworldliness.

Fortunately, a brave pilot offered to give me a hand:

After taking USA4 up on his offer, I had felt a great sense of release, and I was immediately overcome with the strong urge to smoke a cigarette. I suddenly felt extremely tired and decided to log out for the rest of the night...

The next day, after a restless night of terrifying dreams involving someone called Carol-Ann, I logged back in to find that I appeared to be at the court of King Arthur, in the middle of Camelot.

Merlin revealed a magical secret to me about office spamming:

It was becoming increasingly obvious to me that the Viking Gods of EVE either:

A) Did not want me to find them.


B) Did want me to find them.

After considering this clever deduction for a lengthy period of time, I realised that I was no closer to the truth than before, so I decided that I would go ahead with the pilgrimage anyway, and would risk facing the wrath of the Nordic deities...

I plotted my course to the nearest system to Jove:

Rather than travelling 55 jumps, I was able to remotely move my medical clone to a place in northern low-sec empire, where I had previously spammed an office, and was pleased to see that my destination was now only a tantalising 12 jumps away, which was nothing for a hardy young adventurer such as myself.

For some reason, the 12 jumps seemed to take an eternity, and thoughts of divine grandeur began to creep into my mind. Could I really become the first to reach the domain of the Gods? What would I say if I finally got there? Would they help me to build a n00b station? Surely I was crazy to try this? Wasn't I just a deluded man in a shuttle?

I quickly began to doubt myself...

Eventually, the eternity ended, and with my pulse frantically racing, and the hairs on the back of my neck standing on end, I entered the mysterious system JZV-F4.

Incredibly, I now found myself standing on the doorstep of Jove space, and I just had to deal with one small detail before unlocking the door to the temple of wisdom that I so desperately sought:

There was no door...

The spooky events did not end there, for my arrival was set to trigger a shocking chain of events that would leave me reeling...

(to be continued...)

Thursday, October 19, 2006

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 074 - Core Philosophy

Core Philosophy

The next time I logged back in, I found a collection of Xelas and Celestial people in Local, who were firmly discussing the issue of smacktalking, in a somewhat heated manner.

I got the distinct impression that I had just missed an explosive argument, and thought it best not to resurrect the hostilities between these two warring factions.

A short while later, Celestial politely requested a fight:

The fight turned out to be not yet forthcoming, so I went to the system next door, which I had been informed was where Celestial were basing themselves. This system was also an NPC area, and formed part of a complex of systems that was known locally as "The Core".

Upon entering the system, I noticed a large number of Celestial pilots, and I was able to spend some time talking with them, and learning their views on the area and its diverse residents.

It would appear that Celestial Apocalypse's sole purpose in EVE was to harass and harangue the Band Of Brothers, and to mercilessly destroy anyone who was friends with them. As such, it became apparent to me that their conflict was only with Xelas by association, and that the real conflict was Celestial vs BOB.

Shortly thereafter, this was confirmed:

I was heartened to hear that they liked neutrals, and also that they did not fire on them, but I suspected that their valiant altruism was driven by their desire to annoy BOB and their allies. I couldn't quite work out whether this was a good thing or a bad thing, so I decided to just sit back and watch...

I had now heard both sides accuse the other of running away and I wondered if I had inadvertantly started a trend in noble fleeing...

Perhaps I was set to traverse the universe, distributing "Yellow Pills" and offering franchise opportunities for "Caldari Fried Chicken" stores. Like a chef who was considering changing careers to become an athlete, I licked my fingers for a good while as I mused over the merits of running...

To pass the time until the imminent fight began, I started to browse the market, and was very surprised to see large buy and sell orders for slaves, just 3 jumps away.

The buy order was 5% higher than the sell order, meaning that there was an instant 13 million isk profit to be made in running slaves just three jumps. I wondered what my friends in Ushra Khan would think of this discovery.

Eventually, I followed Celestial through the jumpgate, back to the system I was in orignally, at the centre of "Core", and I abruptly found myself being used as bait to start the brutal fight!

Why did I always find myself wedged between two warring alliances, both of whom I usually liked?

As far as I knew, Xelas had set me blue and Celestial did not shoot neutrals, so in theory I should be safe sitting in the middle of this war in my shuttle, and enjoying a nice front seat view of the wanton destruction and forceful carnage that was about to ensue.

A few minutes later, my screen terrifyingly looked like this:


I wondered if the Viking Gods of EVE had grabbed some holy felt-tip pens and some sacred crayons, and were scribbling on my screen, in an attempt to send me some kind of secret coded message that would reveal the location of the mystical entrance to Jove space.

The fight turned out to be more of a skirmish than a battle, and despite me being right in the thick of it, it did not become necessary for me to violently self destruct my shuttle on anyone.

I had now met all three factions who lived in Fountain, and I decided that it was time to begin my pilgrimage to the mythical land of Jove.

(to be continued...)

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 073 - Soulful Reflections

Soulful Reflections

We fled to the gate like fleeing fleas, and as we were in warp I began to wonder why it was that a significant portion of my adventure often involved fleeing heroically.

Perhaps there was a subtle art in running away like there was no tomorrow. Maybe it was a fine and laudable activity that was secretly admired by many a carebear up and down the land. I had become an accomplished chicken, and was clucking proud of myself.

Luckily, Lil's insta from the safespot we were at had taken us directly to the gate, and I just had time to threateningly say "It was nice meeting you" before we jumped through, to find the path clear on the other side. Another death had been valiantly circumvented.

As we flew back through the systems of Fountain, our shuttles gleaming in the twilight of infinity, my thoughts lazily wandered to the monumental task ahead of me, in that holiest of arcane and untouchable areas:

Jove Space

I wondered how many thousands of adventurers throughout history had tried in vain to breach the gates to the ultimate paradise, to reach the shores of the land of milk and honey, and to stare into the all-seeing eyes of the Viking Gods of EVE.

An enigmatic feeling of suspense and wonder overcame me, and my attention was suddenly jolted back to the present as we passed a pilot called Elestine Wong, who opened a communications channel with me:

It would appear that the Horde were newcomers to this region, and had started building their caves relatively recently. I had now met two of the factions in the Fountain area, and just had the ominously-named Celestial Apocalypse left to meet, before I could begin my heavenly quest for an audience with the Gods, far on the other side of the universe.

We returned to the NPC station area and I noticed that I had received an evemail from the woman I once had a lustful affair with. She had outrageously desposited a mystery item in escrow for me, and I began to wonder if it was something naughty like chocolate underwear, or if it was something nice like chocolate underwear...

I began to speak some more with the Xelas pilots in INNO's FOUNTAIN INFO CHANNEL and to learn some more of the history of their alliance. Xelas had originally been based in Emilio land in the north, but had become embroiled in a large number of wars with various factions, and had eventually made the decision to leave.

The Band of Brothers had invited them to live in Fountain and they had taken them up on their offer. As such, I was informed that they were currently hostile to Emilio, and were actively lobbying the Hollywood Walk Of Fame to remove his star, which was controversially added last year.

They began to tell me some more of their thoughts on Celestial:

It would appear that there was more bad blood between these two groups than there is between a vampire and a zombie on their first date. It was a difficult situation for me to sink my teeth into and I was counting on not hitting a nerve with my piercing questioning.

0.0 was truly fascinating to me because it was an unrestricted social experiment, where there were no rules and no regulation, and people were free to act in any way they so chose. Perhaps it formed the ultimate test of the human will and character.

The rest of the day passed quickly, and I spent some considerable time reflecting on the vast variety of experiences I had been through so far. I was still enjoying this world immensely, but I could feel a burning desire escalating within me to push forward with my dream of achieving the incredible.

Perhaps after my imminent pilgrimage to Jove, I would dare to take the first concrete step towards my goal, and would spend one billion isk on creating an alliance...

(to be continued...)

Monday, October 16, 2006

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 072 - The Horde

The Horde

I sat in my pod in the Fountain region and joyously watched as morning viciously failed to arrive. Nonetheless, a certain sense of excitement was in the air; well it was until I realised there was no air either...

After slumping into a temporary state of depression at the cold starkness of space, I took a few hits from the Caldari Bong I had locked away in the secret compartment in my pod, and I proceeded to engage in a chilled-out conversation with a Xelas pilot called lilantris:

It would appear that the three main factions in Fountain were "Xelas", "Celestial Apocalypse" and "The Horde". Xelas and The Horde were friends, and they did not like Celestial Apocalypse, whom they considered to be evil pirates.

As I was pondering the wondrous significance of these political revelations, I was surreptitiously interrupted by one of the locals, who decided to inform me that like a man who had taken vegetable oil into the shower instead of shampoo, he was greased up and ready to slip and slide:

I quickly banished this disturbing revelation to the back of my mind, and was promptly invited to "INNO's FOUNTAIN INFO CHANNEL", which had been created by lilantris, as some kind of bizarre informational media outlet.

As the evening progressed, various local residents dropped in and out of the channel to have random conversations with me. I wondered if I should have taken the opportunity to start signing books and charging outrageously for photo opportunities.

Having now had the chance to speak with several different Xelas pilots, I was beginning to conclude that I liked them. To my limited knowledge thus far, they were nice people and I was looking forward to getting to better know them and the other factions in the area.

The conversation turned to my n00bosity, and its potential impact on the constructability of my noble n00b outpost:

Some seconds sooner, after staring at a stunning, suspenseful and sparkling shining show of a shimmering shooting star on the soft and silent serendipitously serene starfields surrounding my spaceship, I studiously struggled to suspend the strong urge to think of words starting with the letter "S".

Perhaps my adventures were turning me more nuts than a woman called Hazel who lived in Brazil and had been drowned in Walnut Creek, rescued by Monkeys, cracked open, had an orchestra performing the Nutcracker Suite at her graveside while informing her that she was a shell of her former self, had been mixed with the DNA of a scottish man called HootsMon MacAdamia, and then re-assembled into a woman who was heroically crowned with the name Queen Nutella Nutshella of the Nutty Republic of Nutland...

Lil then took me to visit Xelas' home system:

It was late at night, there weren't many people around, and not entirely unlike two deaf lovers who were cheating on their spouses, my first full meeting with Xelas turned out to be a very quiet affair...

We pressed on into the night, and some time later we found that we had wandered into the inner sanctum of the mysterious indigenous tribe called The Horde.

Lil quickly warped me to an inconspicuous safespot in their system, from which I could observe this strange species of creature in its natural habitat.

Things quickly began to turn hostile, and one of the residents accused me of being "shocking". I duly checked myself for electrodes, powerful electrical generators, and the ability to summon lightning storms.

I wasn't quite sure what to make of this development, so we heroically fled to the exit gate, only to find that the Horde were waiting there for us, their razor-sharp teeth glistening in the night...

(to be continued...)

Saturday, October 14, 2006

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 071 - Acronyms FTW

Acronyms FTW

I arrived at the wonderful citadel of Fountain, wondering what awe-inspiring and fantastical adventures awaited me at my exciting new home.

Shortly after arriving, I was introduced to the politics of the area by a kind and helpful soul named Triderious. He was a plain-speaking and simple kind of pilot from the "Xelas" alliance, who kindly went out of his way to make me feel very much at home:

To say that I was annoyed would be more of an understatement than attempting to say something whilst playing the Hawaiian game "Limbo". For no reason whatsoever, this abominable killer had callously sat at the gate, and had deliberately let me fly close to him, several seconds after I had warped in, so that he could then open fire on me and attempt to murder me at close quarters.

As I escaped, I asked him exactly why he had done this:

I was clearly speaking with a mindless lackey who was using the classic defence of hiding behind meaningless acronyms. Like a murderous postman, he had thrown letters at me after trying to shoot me dead, and at that moment I felt like grabbing a selection of vowels and consonants, and shoving them so far up his backside that his intestines would become Alphabetti Spaghetti...

Just what exactly was this mysterious NBSI that so many cowards used as an excuse to murder the weak?

No Brains, Stupid Ignorance?

No Balls, Slaughters Innocents?

Nasty Belligerence, Stunted Intelligence?

Maybe my stalker was just an unquestioning pilot doing his job, and if I met him socially I would probably discover he is a nice guy, but after 100-jumps it is not exactly the kind of welcome anyone would want to receive.

I fired off an irate evemail to the woman I once had an affair with:

Triderious' claim that this was Xelas space was quite simply false.

I was in a system that contained two NPC stations which had been placed there by the game designers for the use of all players. Informing me that I was in claimed territory was a plain lie. Systems with NPC stations are in NPC sovereignty areas and cannot be claimed by anyone.

He did not reply.

I had only escaped because I already had my mouse hovering over "warp to 100km" from a random asteroid belt that I had preselected as I flew towards him, and was able to instantly click it the second I saw him start targetting me.

If I had been a less-experienced n00b, out for fun and adventure with my basic mining laser, I would have been blown to smithereens.

However, my new home turned out not to be all doom and gloom, because shortly after the failed assassination, I had the pleasure of meeting another Xelas pilot, who turned out to be extremely intelligent and friendly:

Taji and I spent around an hour chatting about the wonderful world of EVE, and she informed me that Xelas operates as a "buffer zone" for BOB, and includes several industrial corporations that provide ships, mods and equipment to fuel their crushing war machine.

We began to discuss my dream of a n00b nursery:

This was an incredible idea, and I was already filling up with immense excitement and wonder at the thought of the possibilities that could be opened up to me, if I could just find a way to breach the inner sanctum of the Gods.

It was decided.

When I finished here in Fountain, I would head to the unreachable region on the map called "Jove" Space, where the Viking Gods of EVE resided, and I would boldly try to go where no pilot had been before:

To seek an audience with the creators.

(to be continued...)