Friday, December 01, 2006

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 092 - Sausage Dogs

Sausage Dogs

I docked in the station adjacent to BoB HQ, and answered a chat request from a character whose name was strikingly familiar:

I pondered over this important question for a while, and although I felt like a n00b at heart, I had now explored such a large area of the map that I had no other choice but to conclude that my n00bness was probably now a thing of the past.

In recounting my travels I had previously made a reference to the television-show dog "The Littlest Hobo" and I now bizarrely found myself speaking to a strange player with the very same name, who was the leader of a corporation called the "Sausage Commandos"...

Like a campanologist who keeps hearing phantom telephones in his mind, my paranoia bells immediately started ringing, and I wondered if, in the tradition of Strongy Strong and Shaking Sheikh, yet another of my literary devices had assumed a life of its own.

However, I then discovered that this character had been created a full two days before I had mentioned the name, which meant that I was staring at an astonishing co-incidence of more epic proportions than the bosoms of Dolly Parton and Pamela Anderson combined.

I informed him of the co-incidence:

Apparently, this master of sausages considered the fountain region (which I had visited several weeks ago) to be his property, and he forthrightly demanded that I admit my rampant trespassing into his alleged claimed lands.

After informing him that I had indeed been there, but that I was under the impression that the area was free of fried pig and cow pieces, and was inhabited by Xelas and Celestial Apocalypse, he then decided to sit me down and to enthrall me with an amazing tale of espionage, deception and pulse-raising treachery.

Once upon a time, his main character was a member of Xelas...

This story was already causing me to be more enthralled than the regular clients of a dominatrix, and I immediately started to eat and drink a large variety of cinematic foodstuffs, as I listened to the exciting show:

As he continued to bark the story to me, I could feel the waves of his hostility towards Xelas flowing from across the communications channel. This was one seriously scorned pilot, who like a fiery angular afterlife, was now hell-bent on revenge for the swelling hatred he felt towards his former alliance.

He continued in his shocking narrative:

This was an incredible tale of treachery and deceit that left me reeling with astonishment. I suspected that this frying-pan conoisseur, and his band of cumberland commandos would probably be viewed in an extremely negative way by the EVE community, although he did not seem bothered by this at all.

Like Gollum left alone in a cave for a very long time, with only a ring of bitter memories to keep him company through the ages, the Littlest Hobo had been building an army of suicide pilots, ready to wreak murderous and bloody revenge upon his former friends and allies in Xelas.

Although the tracherous story had been tremendously enthralling to listen to, I worried for the safety of my friends in Xelas, whose company I had enjoyed immensely, and I now wondered if they would find themselves violently extinguished by a vengeful pork chipolata...

In a magnanimous act of fried breakfasts, he then informed me that I too could harness the power of the sausage people...

In my continuing spirit of neutrality, I wished him success with his imminent campaign, and I then continued in my fantastical exploration of the holy land of Robert...

(to be continued...)


Anonymous Krieger said...

Maybe you can send the sausage people knocking on joves door? since they are all going to die in a "heroic" way you could probably convince them to do a mass suicide outside of Jove space. I'm sure that would grab the Jovians attention.

By the way, have you ever considered writing a book? I'm sure if you showed this blog to a publisher they would love it. Even though this is more of a diary entry type book, I'm sure you have the skills to be able to write a successful book.

1:36 am  
Anonymous Ket Halpak said...

wow, nice post. That was a well thoughtout plan. Its a pity he didnt get the pos though, it would have been the icing on the proverbial cake. I have heard rumors about xelas internal political structure, corps leaving the alliance on bad terms. Maybee you shopuld do a peice on zelas?

Stop by Querious and say hi to the ANZACS, quite a few evolution members are ex-anzacs.

9:48 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As a representative of the Sausage Commando's i can assure you we shall not be going to jove untill we have wiped out bob and xelas.

11:15 pm  

You may have a long wait then.....


2:57 am  
Anonymous Major Stormer said...

Xelas might be nice people but they are crap fighters.

3:28 pm  

The very first member of Xelas whom I met violently attacked me. The others were nice though.

BoB outnumber the sausages by a ratio of 1000-1.

Even if the sausages beefed themselves up, in order to pork the enemy as hard as possible, I suspect their bangers would still end up mashed...

3:40 pm  
Anonymous Major Stormer said...

That was trid, a member of my old corp Demon Womb. DW has since left Xelas and are bitter enemies.

5:08 pm  
Anonymous Frivolous said...


Can assure you Stormer and the underdone sausage smugglers, Xelas does not care, so you can go back to what you do best 'flame bating' carry on :P

Correction to Inno, the first member of Xelas you bumped into was ME!

I have not tried to violently pod you 'yet' :P

12:41 am  


You are correct frivolous, you were the first.

I forgot about you....

Would a cheap bunch of flowers make up for it?

5:49 am  
Anonymous Nai Ling said...

I can assure you, Demon Womb is about as big a threat to Xelas as ISS is a threat to .. well.. anyone. I give more credit to Spaceballs Navy than the enemies of Xelas, save CELES.

2:50 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kinsy > So how come you never came over and said hihiihihihihihi to us then?

We love neutrals, honest!

5:56 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It was not demon womb who did it and the robbery was against the 7th space cavalry.

11:29 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Neutrality Shmeutrality.

Put em to -10!

7:39 pm  
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