Saturday, September 30, 2006

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 062 - Unconventional Death

Unconventional Death

After witnessing the incredible launch of the first Titan (but before being blown up by it), I had returned to the love shack and spent a few hours relaxing on a divine camel-hair rug.

It was then that I received an intriguing invitation:

On many of the occasions that I had visited ASCN during my adventure, there had been evil and cursed vagabonds roaming the adjacent systems, preying on unsuspecting passers-by.

In fact, it was this very same group (Burn Eden) who had been responsible for destroying my shuttle, ruining Smagd's drink of spiced wines and making me extremely late for a war.

Nonetheless, I decided that I would viciously insult them....

....and would then accept the invitation to learn more about their organisation.

After tentatively entering the system where they were based, we quickly realised that I could, in fact, have this conversation whilst sipping Earl Gey tea from the comfort of my decadent chaise longue in the love shack:

It would seem that they had not proclaimed the desire to drive a stake through my heart just yet, and I was thankful for the distinct lack of death that had befallen me.

However, the fact that I had not yet been shot dead did not deter me from my goal of asking them challenging and vigorous questions about their brutal and horrific activities.

They began to teach me about their organisation:

Kusarigama went on to explain that Burn Eden operated in a manner which enabled them to win the vast majority of fights that they engaged in by using "unusual" or "original" tactics, which often surprised or confused the people they were attacking.

They had no qualms about using lots of warp core stabilisers, the utilisation of cloaks, or other methods that some other players objected to. It was an interesting subject, and it would appear to be one that is a great point of contention amongst seasoned PVP players in EVE.

I was enjoying listening to their rampant boasting of past victories, but in the back of my mind an ever-building rage at the fact that they had made me late for the war was reaching a crescendo:

Like a man suffering from great flatulence, I let rip:


The simple fact remained that this organisation, with no regard for my innocent desire to have a drink with a friend, had morbidly unleashed a torrent of death and destruction upon me, and were now denying that they would ever do such a thing! I was outraged.

Nonetheless, as our conversation continued, I began to realise that there was nothing particularly psychotic or deranged about these people.

They quite rightly put forward the argument that EVE is a game, and that their activities, despite sometimes hurting people, do in fact take place in a game world.

It was a valid point.

My hostility began to evaporate slightly, and I then enquired about the "WCS" issue, and also as to their views on having murdered a player called Blind Watchmaker earlier that day:

I had previously met two -10 pirates in Heild, and had been as surprised as a man whose surname was "prize" and who had just been knighted, to learn that they were willing to give out advice to help people protect themselves.

I then asked Burn Eden the same question:

Despite the fact that these people were more evil and crushing than a very large and malevolent boulder being dropped on a vicar's head, I had nonetheless learned some very useful things and had enjoyed my conversation with them.

I had learned that there are always two sides to every story.

(to be continued...)

Thursday, September 28, 2006

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 061 - Titanic (Part 2)

Titanic (Part 2)

I was still attempting to recover from the incredible excitement of the events that had transpired earlier that day. My brain was struggling to process the amazing sights that I had witnessed.

I can honestly say that it was such a vision of true beauty, that in the entire history of art, poetry, music and all things sweet and romantic, nothing in the long-reaching span of humanity had ever come close to the perfection that I had witnessed.

It was truly beautiful:

The titan wasn't too bad either...

Later that evening I attended a secret location somewhere mysterious in ASCN space, and was to be part of an incredible event that was to be the icing on the very cake of my crazy adventure:

A tremendous and overwhelming sense of excitement built up inside of me, as the realisation dawned on me that I was to become one of the first people in EVE ever to be brutally murdered by a titan. I suddenly felt like I was a young child once more, filling with wonder and glee at the prospect of the monumental event that was just minutes away...

I took a moment to thank CYVOK for the earlier events:

The next 120 seconds seemed like an eternity, almost as if the strands of time themselves had deliberately elongated, in an agonising stretching of temporal perception.

A million emotions flooded through my nervous system, as tiny electrical impulses of delight stimulated areas of my mind that brought forth senses of unsurpassed elation and joy.

The moment had arrived

A loud sound filled the "air" and my entire screen suddenly went pure brilliant white, completely blinding me with its sheer dazzling starkness.

The whiting effect must have lasted for at least 5-10 seconds, during which I sat stunned, in total awe, and unable to speak for the duration.

As the light faded into the nothingness of space, I looked around me to see the remnants of most of the ships in the area being simultaneously destroyed with a loud POP:

Suddenly, it was all over....

For a long while, there was a stunned silence amongst the very small group of people who were present in Local at this secret test-base, and after managing to regain my composure I then learned how CYVOK had brought about the construction of this truly incredible ship:

After being somewhat surprised by this revelation, I decided to change the subject and quickly enquired about the training involved in becoming the sole pilot of the most incredible vessel in EVE:

It was most definitely an expensive and arduous labour of love, and it had certainly had gone down in history as being the most incredible achievement to date.

I then noticed that my EVEMAIL was flashing, and I nervously and excitedly opened it to discover the official confirmation that I had not just spent the past 15 minutes in a dream:

*Location deleted to respect confidentiality:

It was now official. I had truly become one of the first ever players in EVE to have been mercilessly and bitterly ravaged at the hands of the most gargantuan brute in existence. I could not believe my eyes.

I had not been number one, although seventh was more than good enough for me. It had been a true honour and a great privilege to be present at this event and the entire experience had completely made my day.

The wonders of this EVE universe never cease to astonish me, and I can only begin to dream of what yet awaits me, as I continue my flights of fancy into this alluring and enchanting world of wonder.

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 060 - Titanic (Part 1)

Titanic (Part 1)

It is said that in the average person's life, there are perhaps only two or three key moments that truly stand out as being the most memorable experiences that we cherish.

The events that I am about to describe, represent my first such moment in the world of EVE...

I had been informed that my friends in ASCN had been working on a project to recreate a famous ocean liner that sank to the bottom of the sea, after being brutally podded by an iceberg in 1912.

Naturally, I was ecstatically overjoyed at this magnificent revelation, and I decided to use my jump clone to head down to AZN-D2 for some nautical sightseeing.

Unfortunately, this happened:

Not only had I previously been tardy for the war in 9UY, but I had now also arrived fashionably late for this star-studded public appearance by the infamous Kate Winslet.

Quelle Horreur!

Instead of seeing Kate, I now had to make do with a kinky woman dressed in a metallic rubber suit, who decided to publically make fun of me, and to mercilessly tease me, about my heartbreak at having missed the eagerly awaited ship-launch.

On top of all that, and for some inexplicably hostile reason, she decided to stamp on my little n00b heart using the most offensive horrid blue text:

I was absolutely distraught by this vicious attack against me. There was a limit to the amount of vile abuse that a pilot could take in this game, and her derogatory comment had clearly gone beyond the realms of "smacktalking".

I had no choice but to immediately file a petition against the woman for griefing...

However, just as I was about to hit "send", and to my utter astonishment and disbelief, I was informed that "CYVOK", the head of ASCN, who was also the pilot of their titanic vessel, had heard of my arrival and was going to come back for me!

I could not believe what I was hearing:

I tried to ignore the blue-texted woman who was asking idiotic questions in Local, and a great sense of awe and wonder overcame me, as I witnessed what must have been the single-most astonishing moment in my short life in EVE.

The heavens suddenly snapped open, and a ship of such spectacular and epic proportions swooned into the system, causing me to instantly fall to my knees in admiration.

When I had stepped out of Empire space, at the beginning of my adventure, with that little mining laser, I never, in my dreams, could have imagined standing here today, looking at an almighty mushroom:

Click To View Image

As I tilted my camera with my shaking hands, and zoomed in for a close up of the top, I couldn't help but think that this was a giant intergalactic vacuum cleaner, and someone had forgotten to plug in the hose:

Click To View Image

Having finally seen this wonder with my very own eyes, I now truly understood why this incredible ship had won an astonishing 11 academy awards:

Click To View Image

I felt like I had almost touched an angel.

I was just a man in a shuttle, but somehow, through the faith and belief in a conviction that great things can be achieved by those who are just willing to try, I had now gone down in history as having been given my own personal show, at the launch of the first ever Titan in EVE...

I felt truly honoured by this kind act.

Incredibly, this story does not end here, because 5 hours later I was set to be part of an even more amazing event...

(to be continued...)

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 059 - Drink To The End Of The War

Drink To The End Of The War

During the siege of 9UY4-H, which spanned several days, it transpired that the heroic allies, like a valiant platoon of soldiers with a fearsome sounding name such as "The Black Knights", were destined to succeed in thwarting the pirate insurgents.

Much more importantly than the above:

I finally got hold of Smagd to invite him for a drink.

He then valiantly travelled the 20 jumps to come and meet me (which surprised me because I thought he lived in the Providence region) and he eventually proudly entered the warzone and came and docked:

After a considerable length of time that was impossible to measure due to the alcohol that was now spinning around in my brain, I found that neither myself, nor my drinking partner Smagd, could understand a single word that the other was saying:

After another 38 inappropriately named beverages, and showing off a truly crude and obscene party trick that involved me disappearing into the bathroom with a pint of beer and a mars bar, shaping the mars bar under a hot tap to give it contours that mirrored those of a fresh turd, dropping it into the pint of beer and then returning to make the claim that I had "done a dump" in the glass, followed by me slowly drinking it in front of everyone, I drunkenly clicked accept as I was given one of the nicest gifts I have ever received:

Some time later, and as the war was drawing to its thrilling climax, I was invited to join my friends in the Mercenary Coalition (who had been hired by the "goodies") to viciously and dextrously destroy one of the pirate structures.

I finally got to see the brave mercenaries at work:

Click To View Image

Watching a large scale project in action was an impressive sight, and I left the scene very happy at having witnessed it. I was so happy, in fact, that the urge for violence shot through me, causing me to grab my Ibis and undock once more.

Unfortunately, a few seconds later, after informing Seleene (the head of the Mercenary Coalition) that her time was up, and targetting her with my Ibis, I was very quickly destroyed in one shot and found myself docking at the station again...

Quickly burying the memory of this very foolish attack in the deep dark recesses of my mind, I spent the next couple of hours having a few more drinks and feeling very philosophical about my adventures.

It was then that I was very privileged to be invited into the gang of Ushra Khan, ISS, Mercenaries, and allies as they completed the final heroic act of the war, and destroyed the very last standing structure:

As the rockets, rail guns and energy weapons blasted and rocked the control tower, I slowly inched my pod closer and closer to the imminent grand finale to this tremendous conflict.

Despite the fact that there is no sound in space, a great noise started to erupt from the dying tower, as a whole team of soldiers fired in unison to bring this horrid symbol of piracy down.

Suddenly, it went BANG:

Click To View Image

Three seconds later, and as the impact of the explosion shuddered for miles and miles, I sat back and gasped as I witnessed one of the most incredible sights I had ever seen in my adventure.

The picture was quite simply beautiful:

However, the very next day, my journey was set to become even more fantastic, as I was to gain access to a series of events of truly titanic proportions...

(to be continued..)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 058 - Verone


Some time later, I began to receive suggestions from the warriors in Local, regarding how I could spend my vast fortune. Several of these ideas were very ingenious, but it was one suggestion in particular that, like a piece of dirt expelled from a hurricane, caught my eye:

I could not believe it.

I knew that this Verone was a very clever fellow, and I began to suspect that his high success rate in the field of piracy was directly tied to his ability to charm. I recorded a note in my journal, to indicate that he was a "slippery one" and I began to discuss the neutrality of the ISS with the other pilots:

This was a truly fascinating discussion, because it hinted at the issues yet to come for INNOMINATE NEUTRALITY. My corporation had declared itself neutral, and until now there really hadn't been any reason for anyone to attack it.

I suspected that if my dream of building a n00b station ever came to fruition, I could find myself in some diffcult situations where I would be pressured to compromise my hallowed fence-sitting.

I sat back and listened as Verone continued to stir up the people in local, in a very suave, sophisticated and slick manner:

I found the whole exchange fascinating, because it showed me that despite the physical fighting that was going on in the system, there was also a whole psychological layer to the warfare, which was just as important as the actual fighting itself.

A short time later, I had a brief reunion with my friend Fowlplaychiken from the Mercenary Coalition, and as he left the system I was asked about an article that had appeared on the title-screen of the game, regarding my exciting adventures in my shuttle:

Click For Image

Filled with a new sense of bravado at what appeared to be my rapidly spreading fame, I decided that I would show those scurvy-ridden evil swashbucklers a thing or two about the art of deadly warfare:

Click For Image

Perhaps my selection of "pod" as my choice of vessel left much to be desired...

I was looking at what is called a "POS", this particular one belonging to the pirates, and as I enquired as to what their function was, in relation to the war, I noticed that "MrNightmares Luggage" was present in local...

After lulling me into a false sense of security by sweetly answering my questions, Verone then suddenly decided to seize the initiative and viciously hold me hostage, whilst torturing my poor and defenseless pod.

I could not believe the underhand levels that these "Veto" people would stoop to. Incredulously, he then demanded that I pay a massive ransom of two shares in INNOMINATE NEUTRALITY!

I had never been ransomed before, and was absolutely terrified. The bar on my life-gauge was becoming more and more red with each passing second and the thudding heartbeat noises that the game was generating made me choke with fear.

I was sitting there with one of the most notorious and vicious pirates in EVE on me (and his lackey henchman), and I rapidly became fearful of what my shareholders would think of me if I collapsed under the pressure.

A few minutes after giving Verone's charming regards to the overworked medical staff at my much used cloning facility, and despite the fact that he had just brutally podded me with a bitter vengeance, I nonetheless concluded that I liked him.

The thrilling events of the war then rapidly approached their conclusion...

(to be continued...)

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 057 - War Party (Part 3)

War Party (Part 3)

As I warped in at the gate to 9UY, I was suddenly targetted and attacked by an evil mistress of doom, who went by the name of Khalid Zhee. However, after striking up a conversation with this deadly assailant, and informing her that I was running late for a brutal battle, she decided to release me, so that I could go and watch the conflict next door:

I arrived in 9UY to see 100 pilots in local, and was greeted with a hearty welcome by both sides of the conflict. I was informed that they had just finished fighting, but that there would be more battles to come. The topic of conversation was "lag" and it would appear that the valiant clash that had just taken place had been marred with problems that had disrupted both sides.

I was then invited to fly to a gate that was being defended, in order to witness this heroic and valiant LAG first-hand:

I enquired of the noble warriors, as to the nature of the conflict, and after entering into a private conversation with one of the evil pirates, I excitedly learned the following:

The "baddies" in the conflict were a collection of pirate organisations, who were intent on taking the station in 9UY because it was a major trade route out of empire space, and was therefore a lucrative target to acquire.

This fact was staggering, because yet again it showed me that the EVE universe has more incredible diversity and depth than a menagerie being thrown into a bottomless pit.

To help me identify the goodies and baddies, the following was suggested:

I then took a moment to study the key players in this conflict.

On the "goodies" side was a pilot called Elisa Day, who was the captain of the fighting wing of the ISS. This was very fortunate for me, because she was exactly the sort of person I needed to speak to about creating a n00b station in 0.0.

On the "baddies" side, was a feared and notorious killer, who went by the name Verone, and was the founder of a crushing and malevolent pirate corporation called Veto, who I had been informed were feared throughout the universe.

Despite him being a vicious and nasty killer, I was also looking forward to speaking with Verone, to learn about how the most skilled and successful pirates in EVE operate.

It was fortunate then, that a few minutes later, and entirely to my surprise, Verone joined myself and Backdoor Bandit in the "alternate lifestyles" bar for a stiff one...

It would appear that, like myself, despite outwardly exhibiting the persona of a staunch Cassnova of the ladies, Verone had also permitted Backdoor Bandit occasional exclusive access to his pirate tunnel of love...

After all, even the most notorious killers in EVE needed to wind down on the weekends...

Since my bottle of spiced wines had been maniacally and violently destroyed by the scum-infested gate-camp earlier, I asked Local if anybody had a spare one that I could give to Smagd.

A player called Tubiger then very kindly gave me an exotic dancer and some spirits, for which I was most humbly grateful. All I needed to do now was to find Smagd, so that I could present him with this epic beverage.

It was then that I noticed that some of my friends from the Mining Coalition were also present at this battle, and that the coming events were set to seriously hot up towards a shocking finale...

(to be continued...)

Monday, September 25, 2006

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 056 - War Party (Part 2)

War Party (Part 2)

After being mangled at the hands of a malevolent gate-camp, I acquired another loving little shuttle in the love shack and plotted a different course, this time circumnavigating the offending system.

Unfortunately, changing my route from the quickest, to the one that avoided the gate camp, added another 10 jumps and now made my journey a total of 43. I turned up the Mozart that I was listening to, and like a bat out of hell, flew onwards into the night...

My journey upwards though the western area of ASCN space was enjoyably trouble-free, and I soon found myself in Stain once more. I was able to use my instas to travel through the whole of Stain, and into the catch region, where I docked and moved my clone to the station "ISS Marginis."

A few jumps later, and as I was sitting back and listening to Beethoven's Symphony Number 9, a window suddenly opened on my screen, and to my astonishment I found that I was once more in the presence of a man who, on weekdays was a "top", but on weekends was a "bottom":

For the very first time, this burly champion of alternate lifestyles had referred to me as "Nommy", and I felt myself blushing profusely.

The buxom temptress Missy had previously ended her relationship with me, and I had shortly thereafter promptly lost all interest in the young wench Frivolous.

I was feeling lonely and vulnerable, and was on a long trip to witness a war, without even a stiff shandy to perk me up. I wondered if I was about to be taken advantage of once more, by a man who, like a part-time geologist and seismologist, spent the latter part of most afternoons studying the hair-line fractures around cracks...

Like a jazz musician trapped in a block of ice, I decided to play it cool:

This was exciting pink news indeed!

It would appear that Backdoor Bandit's infamous organisation, which in a similar manner to the French Foreign Legion, enjoyed taking fit young recruits briskly up the Khyber Pass, was on the verge of celebrating its very first rainbow anniversary!

I was overcome with unmeasurable joy and unadulterated bliss, and I quickly changed the minidisc player in my shuttle to "Relax" by Frankie Goes To Hollywood.

The Lord Of The Rings then informed me that, like a pair of retired homo-erotic greek wrestlers, he was considering making a spectacular return to the public arena, and that I should pay special attention to the MGRL anniversary, just two weeks from now.

As he spoke his manly words of wisdom to me, I felt myself, like a character from Alice In Wonderland, being mesmerised by this Queen Of Hearts...

Backdoor then helped me to pass the time between jumps by teaching me about the history of the MGRL.

It would seem that his valiant and brave organisation did not just deliver their agenda via oral means, but were also very active at ramming their point home physically:

I had noticed that BB's friend "Hans Roaming" had infiltrated the Mining Coalition, so I decided to ask him some pressing questions regarding his successful penetration of that particular organisation:

It would appear that the grappling hands of the MGRL had found their way into the pockets of many organisations throughout EVE, and that the very head of the Mercenary Coalition herself, was a rampant gender-bender!

I fell to the floor of my shuttle in total shock...

As I approached the gate to 9UY, an attacker deftly slipped in through the back passage and assaulted me...

(to be continued...)