The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 036 - I Wanna Take You
After exerting some considerable effort, and not unlike a vast couch potato raised on a diet of Oprah Winfrey, Jenny Jones, Sally Jessy Raphael and Ricki Lake, I managed to unsteadily hoist myself out of my very comfortable sofa in the Red Moon refinery at the bottom of the universe.
Unfortunately, the game then decided to announce to me that my "local session" had become just like the Mafia, Richard Nixon and the wonderful executives at ENRON all rolled into one:
After numerous frustrated attempts to get back in, during which the game almost just loaded, and just almost loaded, and tantalisingly looked like it was just about to almost load, I eventually smashed my way back in once more and decided that the day had finally come upon which I would leave the serene tranquility of my little hideaway at the bottom of ASCN space.
It was time to venture forth once more unto the great beyond that lay in waiting for me. I had a date with destiny and I knew I was a survivor.
I looked at my ancient map, and after much deliberating and calculating, I decided that I had no idea where I should go next. This pleased me immensely because it was this very unpredictable nature of my journey that made the experience fun for me.
I had previously been given some bookmarks for the Stain region so I decided that I would head out that way first and would see where I ended up.
I had almost finished copying the bookmarks into my People & Places folder when suddenly, and entirely unexpectedly (and some would argue very appropriately as I had "Stain" on my mind) I was contacted by a pilot who was a world renowned astronaut of the anal kind, had bitten more pillows than a million starving dust mites, and who regularly packed more fudge than a very large confectionery factory.
Naturally, I was speechless at being in the presence of a man who, if he was asked to choose a place to sit, on the christmas tree of life, would most definitely opt to be the fairy on top.
I quietly pressed my back against the nearest wall and continued in my conversation with a man who, like a versatile chess player, was able to play with a large number of openings.
It would seem that he had heard of my adventures on the grapevine (or on the Marvin Gaye) and had come out in order to look me up. A couple of minutes later he repeated one of the lines from a classic song by Electric Six and I was swiftly invited to the "blue oyster bar" for a stiff cocktail, some coq-au-vin, a big helping of rump steak and some very salty tasting beef jerky.
Backdoor also took the opportunity to introduce me to a new dance craze that was known as the "five knuckle shuffle". I wasn't entirely sure how it worked so it was fortunate that he offered to give me a hand...
Luckily, he then informed me that he had very graciously decided to forgive me for my previous below-the-belt homophobia at having chosen to form a relationship with the female MissyTrex (who incidentally had subsequently revealed to me that her husband had left her) and I thanked him for turning the other cheek.
As I left his establishment I could have sworn I heard him asking if I would be willing to come again. I considered this for a while but concluded that twice in one night would probably be pushing it a bit too far.
After having finally met the great bandit himself, I suspected that if he were a landscape gardener, he would have a lawn full of rabbits to deal with, conveniently leaving him with a large number of holes to fill.
It was then that I was shockingly contacted by a pilot who decided to reveal one of the greatest secrets of EVE to me........
(to be continued......)