The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 046 - Jerry Springer

Jerry Springer

The fact that the two pilots who I had brutally podded had welcomed their own killings, due to a strong need to instantaneously teleport to the stations where their clones were based, was entirely co-incidental.

I was sure that such a trivial fact had had absolutely no bearing whatsoever on the chilling success of my crushing Ibis rampage...

Like a returning runaway train, I frantically headed back to the station, with the spilled blood of three pilots now drenching me in a torrential storm of sadness.

I had reached such new lows, and words of my criminal acts had spread so far and wide, that the very station itself would not even let me dock:



After waiting for another agonising nine seconds I was finally able to park my ship and I began to listen to a fascinating conversation that was taking place in Local, regarding the constitution of a delicious swedish cake.

I was directed to the following vital information:



It would seem that when these brave mercenaries were taking a break from mining, they would excitedly exchange cookery tips with each other to pass the time until the asteroids respawned...

It was at that moment, that one of the mercenaries whom I had become friends with during my time here, decided to spontaneously start singing to me:



I wondered if it was them or me that was slowly turning loopier than a double helix, sitting in a carriage inside a miniature loop-the-loop rollercoaster and going around a massive vertical bend. Clearly the pressure of my "recent acts of aggression" was getting to me.


I found the anger and rage building inside of me yet again:




I quickly closed my eyes faster than a teenager walking into the bathroom and seeing his naked grandmother in the shower, and I desperately tried to regain my sense of austere composure.

Some time later I struck up a conversation with another of the leaders of the Mercenary Coalition, who went by the name of Mecenary Empress. I now wish I hadn't begun this discussion because it was this event that led to me making a truly soul-shattering discovery:



I had made the scandalous discovery that my girlfriend Missytrex was having an affair with another man. She had been rampantly cheating on me behind my back, the whole time I had been having a lusty affair with Frivolous!

I felt like I was one of the lead characters in a ridiculous scene out of the Jerry Springer show, entitled "You holler dat you iz ma man but I iz here to tell you dat I iz cheetin' on yoo coz u iz a low down playa balla cheatin' on mee, dawg!"


I was absolutely outraged at this heinous revelation:




I began to wonder just how long this illicit affair had been carrying on for. Perhaps it was the case that she had been "playing me" all along and did not have a vast fortune to bequeath to me at all.

I suspected that this Missytrex was a lot more intelligent than she had let on, and that I had been part of a deep and sinister ploy to achieve something shocking that I had not yet managed to work out.

It is said that whatever you put out into the universe always comes back to you, as proof of the inherent laws of duality and polarity that subtly guide our fates and destinies behind the scenes.

Our relationship was officially over and I sorely wished I had never started it in the first place. I held my head in my hands and bemoaned my own stupidity.

I was rapidly beginning to lose my mind and desperately needed to find a way of reversing the bad Karma that I had created...

(to be continued...)