Wednesday, October 04, 2006

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 065 - Carebear Stare

Carebear Stare

Later that evening, I met my friend Brunswick at Inflatable House and I gave him the blueprints to transport to ISS Fabrica in his very fast Interceptor.

He advised me that the most effective way for us to move them was for me to act as a scout, flying one jump ahead of him and scanning the systems ahead for evil and rampant attackers.

I was excited by this prospect because I had previously only been the one being scouted for, and not the one doing the thrilling scouting.

I remembered from when the D2 Commander Lou Cypher had scouted for me in the North, that it was an activity that was more fraught with peril and danger than having your private parts trapped in your zipper in the middle of a public convenience.

Luckily we were in a relatively safe and neutral area of the map, so there was clearly no chance whatsoever that a few jumps later I would find myself staring down the barrels of four shotguns that were being wielded by a destructive group called the "Coalition Of Carebear Killers"...

A few seconds after jumping through the gate to X6AB-Y in a very heroic scouting manner, I was immediately confronted with a screen of blinking red, and I made the altruistic decision to rampantly flee to a random planet, before then making a forthright and strong gesture of defiance by warping from the random planet to a random moon, making a safespot between them and bravely hiding in a hole...

A few minutes later, I nervously and n00bishly tried warping to 100km from various gates in the system, to find that there were scary blinking red people at them, with chunks of bloody carebear flesh dangling from their incisors.

With trembling limbs, I quickly retreated back to the safespot once more, and shivered and shook like a man who had just stepped out of the bath on a cold winter morning, to accidentally find himself trapped inside a snowman.

Brunswick fearlessly jumped in and joined me:

Eventually, we hatched an ingenious plan that involved me jumping to 100km from the gate, quickly making a bookmark, and then bringing it back to Brunswick, so that he could then warp to 200km from the gate, giving him a vantage point to safely observe from:

I then opened a chat channel with one of the pilots in the system, who was part of CVA, and he informed me that they were "working on the problem."

We sat at the safespot for a few minutes more, and as I looked at the fluffy solar clouds around me, I listened to the distant cries of poor and helpless carebears being torn to shreds by malevolent forces of carnage and doom.

We fearlessly decided to make a run for it:

To my utter surprise, when we reached the gate we saw that two of the carebear murderers had been brutally killed by the CVA guys, and the other two seemed more concerned with protecting their friends' pods than with attacking us.

We managed to flee through the gate unscathed, and the rest of my scouting to our destination was thankfully trouble-free.

Even though I was still regularly terrified by these encounters with merciless podders, I always found that after the event, I could look back on it and in some strange way acknowledge that I had enjoyed being horrifically chased.

There was a certain sense of fun to the danger element of flirting with psychotic killers, and I sincerely hoped that I would not find myself getting addicted to it...

After we had dropped off the blueprints, Brunswick then took me on a quick trip to see a station that looked suspiciously like a giant intergalactic anal thermometer:

The very next day, I was set to have an immense amount of fun, with a bunch of demented alcoholic lunatics...

(to be continued...)


Anonymous Anonymous said...

See, You have to build an army so noobs can make it into low sec and stand a chance.


9:57 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bob Saget would know what to do.

10:19 pm  
Anonymous Major Stormer said...

That looks like the Xelas Outpost :)

11:22 pm  
Anonymous mirtax said...


11:40 pm  
Blogger Orontes said...

What I REALLY want to know is how he traded instas in space!

11:53 pm  

Orontes, Brunswick told me to go and make the insta, come back, open my people & places folder, open my cargo hold in my shuttle, drag the bookmark from the folder into my cargo hold, where it appears as a bookmark item, which can then be jettisoned into space for him to pick up and put in his book.

12:15 am  
Blogger Orontes said...

Thanks Innominate. I didn't realize it could be done out of the stations. Your writing is, as always, wonderful. In particular, you create the most magnicificent adverbs: adrenalin-thumpingly is my new favorite word.

12:59 am  
Anonymous Alpine 69 said...

hehe now thats a nice cliffhanger :D

oh and please cancel ur training on ur main for a week or 3 to learn and fly the beast that seleene has gave you......

thx for the nice reads,


8:07 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hasn't anyone noticed how similiar 0.0 Experience and ImaNewbies adventures are? :)

UO, in my mind. (carebear land, burn, burn!!)

-- Garret, Ex-Master Thief

11:11 am  

I can't work out whether that is a shameless plug or a relevant link.

Or perhaps a shameless plug and a relevant link.

6:36 pm  
Anonymous Sheerborn said...

You suck at producing these posts on a regular basis. You were on a great roll before; providing me with everyday, by noon, reading material. But lately you have lost momentum. WTF?

7:29 pm  


It's outrageous, isn't it?

9:46 pm  
Anonymous Rilder said...

He is obviously distracted by the amount of female eve players showing up at his door

8:57 am  
Anonymous An Alcoholic said...

Resistence is futile. Sheerborn will be assimilapodded.

9:52 am  

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